the nows and not yets

2010-07-08T17:43:00.001-05:00

2010-06-09T22:59:00.003-05:00

june is absolutely my favorite month of the year. something always good happens. usually there is some sort of trip i go on, and I like it because it's not only my birth-month but my sisters as well. which is always a good time.

been reeeeallly enjoying life lately. i'm gardening for the first time ever. started things from seed and watching them pop up is a spiritual experience come to find out. God knows what he's talking about with all that 'garden' stuff. I dig. (ha!) I even started a little art project yesterday full of flowers and color - cuz that's kinda how i feel. turns out this whole Kansas City thing is great, I love singing at IHOP and I love doing what I am doing without sacrificing totally my time with family and friends - as most of them are so close in Springfield.

anyway, just a little cheerful update from me. nothing much to say other than life is really good!

2010-05-27T14:31:00.002-05:00

sometimes...you just gotta dance.

2010-05-02T20:40:00.001-05:00

i was greeted by my heart

2010-04-15T22:47:00.002-05:00

Doing well here. sitting in my living room with a cup of chai, the windows open, and my lovely roommate myra next to me writing something I'm sure amazing in her journal.
life continues to be this little roller coaster of getting adjusted to all things kansas city. lots of new friends, new surroundings, and new patterns of life to get adjusted to. I confess i'm still trying to take it all in, feel comfortable in my skin here. I think it takes awhile for anyone who has moved somewhere new, and I often forget that.
today I spent some time in the prayer room and then went to my new God-spot. A nice woodsey river view out in Leewood park. Everything is blooming and gorgeous (my favorite is that God decided to make trees purple. Genius!) so I took my book out there and had a good ole time. after that I worked in the office trying to organize my way out of the still-getting-out-of-transitioning-adjusting boxes. While organizing I found a schedule of IHOP from 99. It had listed on it who was playing the harmonica on tuesday nights at 8pm, i found that funny. :) Then, went and got my car washed and took myself to Target (I love target) to find a present. Finally, went and met up with some friends and walked into the Awakening service tonight - where I was greeted by my heart.
I haven't felt it much lately, it's been a dry season to be sure. But tonight, I felt that thorn and pang of love growing inside of me for more of Jesus. Which is the whole reason I do what I do...more of Him. It felt good to be reminded of it in the midst of an ordinary day.

hi again

2010-03-26T00:00:00.002-05:00

yeah i know, it's been awhile. no excuses really.
i went to the beach last week. i couldn't make myself think if i wanted to while I was there. it was a thing of sheer beauty, especially if you know me. i'm always thinking, always finding ways to be productive. but last week, i vacationed. relaxed and told myself real thinking was off limits. i did nothing really, but took walks on the beach, laughed with my 18 year old cousin and her silly friend, listened to waves, and read Francine Rivers novels. Oh and i watched Michael jackson's 'this is it' and for a couple of days and tried to moon walk every once and awhile in the hotel bathroom.
Then, on the way home, i started coughing and haven't stopped yet - though i'm close now to stopping thanks to antibiotics. Man I was sick! i had one of those sinus infections that took me into the doctors office and into bed for 3 days. i'm outta bed now. Whew.
What else. Things here are good. Today looked like this: sang this morning, spent 2 hours in the prayer room digesting Bible and listening to my roommate play the drums (yey!), ate lunch, went to my office at the bennett's to teach a group of missionaries on partner development, worked on emails. came home, then went to the student awakening service. le done-o.
throw in a couple of errands and UPS store visits, some moon walking (j/k) and you've got a pretty normal Jenn routine here.
gnight. it's past my bedtime.

singing

2010-03-02T19:26:00.002-06:00

Just wanted to give you all a little update in case you didn't catch it on facebook:
I am now singing on Mr. Wood's team at IHOP-KC.
Really excited to be back in the singing saddle - so to speak. whatever. it's fun. i've missed it like a fat kid misses cake. like we miss jesus until he returns. like peanut butter misses jelly. you get the picture.

Anyway, catch any of the sets for free at ihop.org. If you miss a set too and want to watch, you can now with archives. Just go to ihop.org / click prayer room / click in the middle of the screen to 'archives' / and pick the one you want to watch.
here's my singing schedule:
monday 12-2pm
monday 4-6pm
tuesday 10-12pm
wednesday 10-12pm
sunday 12-2pm

woo hoo!!

olympics

2010-02-25T00:26:00.002-06:00

i love the Olympics. i happened to be watching this last week while running at the YMCA, wondering where I had heard this song before...humm. then I heard the buzz about it the next day while in my prophecy team briefing.
So, i love the Olympics even more when the bronze medal half-pipe chic is singing Misty Edwards songs.

your in good hands.

2010-02-06T19:01:00.002-06:00

"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all of your care upon Him, for He cares for you." 1 pete 5:6-7

I've been meditating on this verse for the past couple of weeks, thinking about what it means to humble myself under the hand of God. Thinking about ambition. Thinking about my desires. Who I want to be and who I am in Him. And trying to grasp what it means to cast my cares upon Him from this place of humbleness and submitting to His will.

humble "having or showing modest or low estimate of one's own importance".

I think that's all I'm going to say for now. Don't really have the fullness on these verses for sure. But my desire to understand 1 Pete 5 comes from a place of being new in an intense environment of being hidden, serving, assisting, etc. It's a good time to cast my cares upon Him and humbling myself under His hands. I'm in goooood hands.

2 blogs to share

2010-01-16T12:13:00.011-06:00

Hello everyone. I have a mis-mash of things to post about. But today I will share with you links to two blogs, because they are sorta extensions of my life in one way or another. I'm like google reader these days, giving you all these blogs to read, but just not as fancy and without all the tabs.

1. http://randybohlender.wordpress.com/
I've been working this week with IHOP relief efforts for Haiti. For me it looks like a lot of emails and phone calls, getting the right people connected with the other right people. Satellite phone numbers and praying and getting addresses in the midst of rubble.
A justice affiliate with IHOP, The CRI (Crisis Response International - an awesome disaster relief organization), deployed several days ago and will be serving in Haiti for the long road ahead - sending full teams that have been trained in disaster relief. Several months ago, I had the privilege of dropping in one of the CRI trainings for half a day. It was a rather cold/wet day and I wasn't prepared for being outside in the mud. Totally sported a blazer and carried around my most awkward laptop bag while everyone else was in their mountain hardware/XtraTuff boots/wicking shirts as the rain poured down.
Standing in that rain in my ill preparedness I was so impressed with their training and the seriousness and expertise. I'm glad to know that they are down their providing shelter, food and water to the people of Haiti.
Anyway, I am realizing as I hear stories of what is actually happening in Haiti that I have absolutely no grid for that kind of disaster and what people are facing. The blog above has a really good post called "Welcome to the Luke 18 School of Politics" that touches on the orphans in Haiti, what the US State government isn't doing, and really hit me with the spirit of adoption and the urgency of the orphan in the midst of the Haiti crisis.

2. http://runningforyounglife.wordpress.com/
My sister has taken on a new goal now that she has graduated from grad school: running. But she isn't only running for herself, she's running for Jesus. Yep, it's cheesy sounding but true. She's actually joined up with several of my dearest friends in Springfield and they are all running marathons (Michelle is doing a half because this is a new undertaking for her) for Young Life. I'm so proud of them for taking something that they all love and want to do and turning it into a cause.

2010-01-11T19:42:00.003-06:00

I had a belated roomate Christmas late last night after a really great day off. Thought I'd show you all a picture of my lovely friends here in the Bridge Manor duplex.
Rhonda, me, Brittany (ha!), Myra, Katie, and Kim.
Cheers!

2010-01-09T20:04:00.009-06:00

I am about to finish a pint of haagen-dazs coffee ice cream as a treat for my endurance getting a new camera today (a belated christmas present). It's a Canon Powershot 1200 SD. It's nothing fancy really, I just know exactly what model it is because I went to 3 different Targets today to get it...None of them particularly close to home either. Grrr. Turns out it was the only one in Kansas City.
But now it's mine! HA! Diligence. Diligence gets the only canon powershot in Kansas City, let it be known.

Been busy. Who hasn't been right? Seems like the world just keeps spinning and I, as the introvert I am, gasp for a piece of quite air to breathe. Ah the life of an assistant. I luckily got some today in the midst of my Target running. And am now getting some writing this nice little blog, polishing off my haagen dazs and watching the Cowboys play the Eagles.

So lately at IHOP-KC you can see me in the prayer room from 9-12pm and working in my office from 12:30pm-5:30pm. It's good to be in the beginnings of a rhythm. The Justice Division is going well is still exciting. I'm thankful to be a part of it. Today we have started a clothing drive for the poor and homeless of Kansas City. Sub-below temperatures are making warm clothing few and far between for Kansas's City's salvation armys, etc. I'm not completely sure about the details as of yet, but there are big trash cans in front of the prayer room filling up with clothing to give away to the poor.
And as you know if you live anywhere in Missouri, Kansas City has been a bit more like living in Antarctica than KC. Negative temperatures every day and nearly a foot of snow on the ground since Christmas Eve. Lots of time indoors keeping my warmies. If you think about it go give an old coat or pair of gloves to the Salvation Army or other clothing drives near you. Or just go give a coat to someone in need. It's cold...
And that's my little Saturday night update for now. Just finished the haagen-dazs. :)

2010-01-07T22:58:00.003-06:00

Being in Kansas City right now is more like being in Antarctica. Just sayin.

jeff's best of the year, 2010

2010-01-02T00:06:00.003-06:00

So I have to talk about a great blog. It happens to be my brother in laws, so i may be a bit bias, but he is pretty talented and I'm definitely not the only one who thinks so. (He happens to be Springfield, MO person of the year.) Funny writer. If you ever need a interesting/funny read visit www.themysteryhour.com

Here's his blog from today - Best of the Year Jan 1, 2010, Which highlights some of my day experiences as I traveled to a friend's wedding in Springfield today. Enjoy, and visit him often. One funny dude.

Best of the Year, 2010
January 1, 2010
Happy New Year! This is it, the start of a new day, a new year, and a new decade. It really is crazy to believe that 2000 was 10 years ago. I wasn’t planning on posting anything today because it would get in the way of my sleep, football, and general nothingness today.
However, I’ve been inspired by all of the end of the decade and year end countdowns. The only problem is that they all come out at once so they aren’t unique, and there are too many of them. So, I decided that I would get a head start and be the first one to come out with my Best of 2010 List today. Sure 2010 is just a newborn, but it’s breathing and healthy, so we should smack it on the butt and get started.
Best of 2010
Party of the Year. Post midnight portion of a New Year’s party from last night. There was wine, cheese and crackers, and even a talent show. Plus, there were appearances by select members of the bands Mute Math and Eisley. So far, there hasn’t even been a comparison.
Meal of the Year. Two consecutive bowls of Raisin Nut Bran for breakfast this morning. It’s not everyday that I allow myself two consecutive bowls, but it’s 2010 baby! Close second was 5 Spice China Grill, but I had to share that meal with my wife.
Nap of the Year. Rose Bowl nap. Every year I drift in and out of consciousness during the Rose Bowl, but something about it this year made it the nap of the year. Maybe because it was that nap sleep where you can still here everything that’s going on around you. Terelle Pryor figured prominently in my dreams.
Quote of the Year. “Oooh, that was a weird tasting burp.” -Me, from five seconds ago. Followed closely by, “You know why Viggo Mortenson is a good actor? Imperfect teeth.” Me from one second ago.
Person of the Year. Arin Gilbert. He was wearing great shoes today.
Show of the Year. Pawn Stars. This show started the year out strong and continues through to this day, meaning the History Channel had a marathon today.
Wedding of the Year. The one I went to. Yes, on New Year’s Day.
Drink of the Year. The punch at the wedding. It had sherbet, ginger ale, and the surprise of blueberries.
Blog Post of the Year. This was a toughie, but I decided on the Best of the Year, 2010 blog.
Surprise of the Year. The morning. It was unexpected and unwelcome. A close second was the fact that I ironed my clothes for a New Year’s Day wedding.
Saying of the Year. “Attack 2010 Like a Rabid Jungle Hen.”
January 1, 2010

2009-12-27T12:51:00.003-06:00

Had a lovely Christmas this year. I came up to Kansas City Christmas eve and the snow came with me. Lots of it. Like a foot. Consequently there were many movies, lots of coffee, and lots of couch time. One of my favorite things this year was playing outside in the snow Christmas day with my cousins. We took lots of pictures and threw semi-snow balls at eachother. It's a little powdery. I still haven't played my game of snowball baseball. Maybe soon...I've saved the wrapping paper tubes.
I finally dug my car out today knowing that I will be busy driving to and from the OneThing Conference in downtown KC this week. I haven't driven in snow for awhile so though I consider myself good at it...i'm not going to lie, i have no idea any more. It's been awhile and it makes me sorta nervous. Mostly because it makes my mom nervous and that makes me nervous. I've been informed that the roads are no longer scary though. Just these crazy neighborhood roads that half the time are scary to drive on in normal weather.
Anyway, after wading through a considerable pile of emails from the week, I thought I would say hello to everyone via the blog. Hope as I get more into a routine now (yey!) to update this more with thoughts on verses I am meditating on, as well as info about what I'm doing here with the Compassion and Justice Division at IHOP-KC. Stay tuned friends.

2009-12-18T09:47:00.001-06:00

My day today and what I learned in Europe

2009-12-13T22:04:00.003-06:00

Good day here in KC. Woke up at about 9am. Feeling less and less jet laggy. Drank a press pot of coffee, had some multigrain cheerios and sat in my pjs with my roomates for a better part of the morning.
Then, got on my winnie boots and strolled out the door to the Bennett's to send out our friend Irina. She is going to be a missionary in Sudan. She's like, moving there. The girl needs lots and lots of prayer. So we prayed. And we ate. And it was good.
Then, went out with a friend to grab some coffee at Latte Land. I'm still trying to find my way around KC and which places to go to sit and have a cup-o-joe that isn't starbucks. Latte Land was okay but it wasn't atmospheric enough for my tastes. The mint mocha was good though... Anyway, had a great conversation with my friend. Went to church tonight, came home and played my guitar, skyped with my sister...and now it's bed time.
Dunno why I'm giving you a run through of my day but oh well, I just did. Sometimes I want to go back to my old days of blogging where it was more like a stream of consciousness and not so much a formal post of anything in particular. I think I liked it better then.
General mood: happy and content. Excited for Christmas and find myself gravitating towards the Christmas tree.
What I'm excited about: Well, Christmas, as said. Jesus and what He is doing in the midst of IHOP, being able to go to Europe for two weeks and being able to come home. I say being able to come home because I've decided I really like home. I like routine. I like my bed. I like my roomates. And I like familiar places just as much as I like foreign ones.
What I learned in Europe: Well, a lot. Too much to write about actually. But one thing I've been thinking today is I learned how to pray for people and have a compassionate-Jesus-Spirit-Filled-heart even when I didn't feel like it. Scripture says our heart and flesh cry out for God (somewhere in the Psalms - 84?) And when my flesh has to cry out sometimes it doesn't feel like God per-say. It feels more like me making it up. But I realized while praying for people that this isn't true. Eventually when we cry out for God in our flesh our spirit takes over. God hears our weak "yes" and meets us with His Spirit - who dwells inside of us - whether we pay attention to Him or not. So what did this look like? This often looked like an extremely exhausted Jenn praying for people - and what started out with no love or compassion and no spirit of prophecy and prayer, often turned into the most heart felt prayers for people and the more evidence of God working through me. My weak-flesh-yes turned into God moving on people. It was great.
Humm it's like it's not about us or something. :)

Can't help it the song is coming to my head: my heart and flesh cry out, for the living God, your spirit is water for my soul.
lalalaalaalaa.

amsterdam pics 2

2009-12-12T08:17:00.006-06:00

Thought I would share with you a few more of my friend Petra's (visit Petra's journey found on the Blog Links) pictures. These were taken from the Red Light District in Amsterdam - right around the corner from the House of Prayer. The one picture of the hallway is a particularly crazy place within the red light district - where these two buildings create a hallway that is filled with windows. We went through the hallway and I definitely never want to do that again...

pictures of Amsterdam

2009-12-05T05:33:00.005-06:00

My friend Petra, who has been with us on the trip has been taking some beautiful pictures of our time in Amsterdam. Just wanted to share a few of them with you. She's awesome: www.petrajourney.blogspot.com. These are of the house of prayer in Amsterdam's red light district, and of the teaching that we did with the interns at the YwAM Amsterdam base. The first picture is of the outside of the house of prayer in the red light district.

i'm in amsterdam: visit to the house of prayer and RLD

2009-11-29T15:30:00.013-06:00

I'm in Amsterdam now.
Today was dutch church - which was full of awesome charismatic Europeans. I was late this morning, due to heavy jet lag and not getting back to the apartment until 2am the night before. I decided this morning I was going to take my time getting to Dutch church... So after being successfully 30 minutes late I decided to sit in the kitchen/lounge and eat breakfast and make myself more late. The kitchen/lounge over looks the harbor and so I ate my breakfast of nutella and toast, tea, and museli with this incrediable view. I only mention it, well because it was one of those mornings worth mentioning for sure. The tea tasted extra nice, nutella was a good choice, and the museli had these wonderful apricots in it.
After church and some Asian food our team walked to the YWAM house of prayer. The YWAM house of prayer in Amsterdam is located on the Red Light District. Like so much in the middle of it that If you look out the big glass window of the house of prayer and you see the reality of where you are - unclothed girls in red windows. There's a nice Dutch woman that is always there praying. She actually lives there, along with YWAM students and staff. They go often and take the girls in the windows cookies and tea and pray for them.
After our time at the house of prayer, we walked the Red Light District. It was heart breaking, shocking, interesting, and everything you can imagine all at once. I cried. I thought a lot about what IHOP is doing with Exodus Cry and human trafficking and the Justice DIvision. I began to grasp a little in my sheltered American mind how inundated the world actually is with human trafficking. And the further I walked, I grasped that real women - with hearts and breath and emotions and some with husbands and babies - have to face that lifestyle, day in and day out. Around the world, out of complete slavery. The girls in Amsterdam are legal of course, and with that comes perks that other trafficking victims don't have - like panic buttons. But the whole thing is still gross, complicated, and trafficked no matter how you look at it.

So if you get a moment - pray for Amsterdam. Pray for strength for the beautiful Dutch woman who prays all day long for her country and holds the hands of the girls in the windows. Pray for Human Trafficking victims all over the world. Cambodia. China. Thailand. Etc etc etc. It's a really big problem with real faces. I saw them tonight.

(Did you know that it is estimated that 14,500 to 17,500 people, primarily women and children, are trafficked to the U.S. annually alone?)

two things: writing and rest

2009-11-22T21:29:00.006-06:00

Two things I want to be better at: 1. Writing. 2. Resting.
1. Writing. This is mainly because I love to write. But of course I write all of the time, we all do. Lately I've been writing an average of 30-40 emails per work-day. And in these work emails most of the people I am emailing are meeting me for the first time via email. Now that's some pressure to write... Okay, not too bad, but I've experienced some complications from this. I'm also in need of a writing upgrade because in my new job, a have projects where I am asked to use a lot of skills that didn't seem to stick from my Technical Writing class at good ole Evangel. Go Crusaders. It was a good class too. Tiny room, but good class. Maybe I just need another one. Maybe I'm just rusty.
2. Resting. Today is Sunday. Did you know in the definition of Sunday it says "observed by Christians as a day of rest"? So I promised myself pajama pants and cups of hot whatever all day long. Instead I did way too many productive things that didn't involve pjs and hot cups of coffee or tea. I washed my car. I did all three loads of my laundry. I worked on a funding letter (this is why #1 exists). I basically completed every to-do list item I could think of before I head to Europe this week. Am I Martha instead of Mary? Can one be too productive?

At least my car is clean. And I did drink some coffee too. Not too bad... I'm growing. If you meet me in an email though go easy on me.

renewal meetings

2009-11-14T15:22:00.003-06:00

So this week has been fun (which is sort of an understatement). IHOP-KC has been in nightly meetings this whole week due to a move of the Holy Spirit. What started out as some anointed IHOP-U (the University here) classes has turned into a huge renewal - where people are getting set free of eating disorders, broken-ness, addictions, and physical healings are beginning to break out.. basically all sorts of good things are happening. They have moved the prayer room to IHOP's bigger building (FSM building) from 6pm-12am, and every night thousands are gathering - in the building and on the free webstream (find it on www.ihop.org). I've been among them. I still can't believe I actually get to live here. I'm walking around with a big cheesy grin on my face these days. I'm loving watching and participating in prayer as people get before God and get set free from major addictions, issues from past, healing, etc etc etc.
Come and visit. You definitely won't be sad that you did. Everyone around here seems to be riding the joy bus. :)

Yey, I'm all settled and ready to go.

2009-11-09T00:00:00.004-06:00

Tomorrow is my first full day of being on full time staff here at IHOP. I'm really excited to get back into a schedule after not having one for so long. It's strange because months ago, while working a full time in Springfield, all I could think about is how mundane life got in the midst of routine. I complained of it being too boring, getting home at the same time every day and doing the same thing on wednesday that I did last wednesday, etc, etc. But now, after being completely out of one for several months I realized that I was crazy. I neeeed a schedule. And it really feels good to have one in place tomorrow.
Anyway, so i'm excited. I've realized this week as I've been settling in how being on staff at IHOP in KC has actually been a dream of mine for quite some time...like since I was around 21 (that would be 6 years ago..I'm getting old-er). The thought of doing what my heart loves to do, being close to family and friends, and having friends here in Kansas City - yeah, it's nice. The Lord keeps telling me this is going to be a season of joy and love...and it feels like it's starting right now as I lay my little head down because I have to get up early tomorrow and start a new season.
Yey. Yey. Yey.

i have a really cool family.

2009-11-04T01:00:00.012-06:00

I am really really really blessed with a great family, and felt that way all day long as I spent it with them.
Today my mom and dad came to visit me in Kansas City with a truck full of my furniture and in the midst saw a good half of my extended family in the process. After we unloaded the initial furniture, we picked up my grandma and went to get a beautiful, very comfortable, red chair that my aunt asked if I wanted earlier this weekend. Later went with my mom and grandmother to the grocery store where I pushed the cart and as my grandma and mom put things in it for me. And after that, Arin joined us at my other aunt's house for weekly pizza night where we all sat around eating and talking together. Then I said goodbyes, got home, unloaded groceries, and spent the rest of the night in the prayer room thanking God for the blessing that is my family. Seriously thanking God for them. They are unbelievably cool.
So all that to say: 1. I'm spoiled. 2. I'm really excited to live in Kansas City and share a city with my grandma, aunts, uncles, and cousins. It's going to be so fun living in the same city as extended family and getting to spend more time with them, as well as be so close to the rest of my family and all while doing what my heart loves here in KC.
i'm a happy spoiled 27 year old. Here's some pictures to show off mi family.

new blog i follow: sharedsugar.com

2009-10-30T01:15:00.008-05:00

Two of my talented best friends, Mara and Kesha, have recently joined forces to bring to you a blog full of homemade goodies.
Check it out. You'll be glad you did: www.sharedsugar.com

the honda dealership update

2009-10-24T13:29:00.004-05:00

Stuck at the honda dealership at the moment, killing some time getting emails out of the way. All while my little Accord gets a new timing belt on it. Whew. Expensive. They are serving free lunch here at the dealership. What a novel idea. I gotta say I love the Honda dealership here in Charlotte, some of the nicest service people ever.
Anyway...
So Charlotte has been good. Mostly I've been helping people pack up to move to Kansas City. Lots of boxes and lots of tape. Also coffee. There's lots of that too. Been to Rusan's for sushi, watched some movies on the wonderful brown Quint couch and a dollar flick with some pizza, and gotten some good time praying at 24/7 broiler room.
God has been kind and my limp is gone, no more random ankle issues. I'm excited to get out to Kansas City and then take a ministry trip out to Amsterdam and Germany. We will be gone from November 27 - December 11th. Amsterdam is starting an internship with YWAM/IHOP and are having speakers come in to help. They are starting prayer on the red light district as well as doing evangelism stuff in the area. I'll give a full report from the trip for sure. Should be interesting. Here's a little info:
http://www.ywamamsterdam.org/imi.htm
http://www.ywamamsterdam.org/index.htm

Well, that's a little report from me...gonna go snag a hot dog now.

a mystery hour clip

2009-10-23T20:41:00.003-05:00

Hi friends. I thought I would share with you a Mystery Hour clip. If you don't know what the mystery hour is - it's my brother in law's live talk show he does once a month.
Last night I missed him and my sister so I was showing my wonderful roomate Faith clips from his show. She laughed. You will too. (If you happen to want to look up more you can you tube it or go to www.themysteryhour.com)

I'm still a pilgrim x2: my right ankle

2009-10-16T14:29:00.005-05:00

In all this walking I have somehow gotten a limp. Two mornings ago I woke up and unexplainably and my right ankle was screaming with pain. Not swollen, no random spider bites, no real explanation - just pain that made it frustratingly hard to walk. The pain subsided yesterday for most of the day, but as I was just sitting here revisiting my theme-y Psalm 84 verse the pain shot back. So the ankle pain is randomly sitting here with me as I type and is saying hi.

I know following sounds crazy, but I'm going to take the unexplainable pain in my ankle as a reminder to keep walking. To keep moving forward on this little pilgrimage that I am undergoing.
(ps. I found out today that my suitcase lifestyle will remain awhile longer, as I am going to Amsterdam and Germany on a ministry trip at the end of November until mid December!!)

"As they pass through the Valley of Baca (weeping), They make it a spring. The rain also covers it with pools (blessings). They go from strength to strength..." psalm 84:6
Here's something interesting - this verse says that the pilgrims make the valley of weeping a spring. And the rain covers the valley with blessings. Translated: we, the pilgrims along the journey, make the valley a spring. And if we do that, the rain (my theory is God) covers the valley with blessings. COOL!
Point being that in our struggles along our journey we are called to make those struggles our springs. The struggles and valley of weeping all the sudden become good things. The things we learn and grow from. And out of that place God gives us blessing.
...We will go from strength to strength.

Still working on studying this. Just thought me and my bum ankle would write on it for a minute. Any thoughts?

I'm still a pilgrim

2009-10-15T17:51:00.005-05:00

"Blessed is the man whose strength is in You, Whose heart is set on pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baca (weeping) They make it a spring;
The rain also covers it with pools.
They go from strength to strength.." psalm 84: 5-7

I'm still a pilgrim, and I'm still on this verse. Ha! (I tried to go to another verse a couple of days ago while I was in the prayer room in Kansas City. I was flipping my Bible open to other verses, trying to figure out where to go...then the team on stage started singing this verse... I of course stopped flipping) I think God gave me a heads up 2 or 3 months ago when I began to look at these verses that I wouldn't only be studying it, but it would become a season. A season of pilgrimage. A season of journey. A season of living in my suitcase. :)
Correct. It has become a season of pilgrimage.
So anyway, really what I mean to say I have been walking out that reality at the moment and feel it. I feel the ache of walking and walking and the feeling like you'll never get there. And I feel the differences between what my head knows what the heart quite hasn't caught up to - that the destination is actually there. That the destination is the point and in order to get there we have to keep going forward.
God's been asking me where my strength is in this season. He's been asking me to put it in Him - not in myself or the things I use to prop myself up with (ie. friends, comfort, things, food, family). I'm honestly not so good at it. Maybe none of us are? But I am learning as I walk.
So I'll continue to walk. The destination is going to be good. I just have to remember that I'll actually get there. God, help us to put our strength in you as we journey.

quick post

2009-09-29T12:22:00.002-05:00

Going to Kansas City again on Thursday. This time for Arin's brother's wedding. Quick trip but it will be fun to see family and friends.
It's a beautiful 68 degrees here. I'm sitting outside on a patio with the sunshine over my face. It makes it a little hard to see the screen but ah well.
Arin is now in Kansas City doing the Intro internship. Pray for him if you would. I miss him.
Still excited about what is coming down the road. Many things to prepare for.
See you all soon!

wowie. kc trip notes.

2009-09-26T17:51:00.007-05:00

i just clicked something and lost this post. oops...

The Crazy American Road Trip

2009-09-10T23:15:00.005-05:00

I'm going to Kansas City next week for IHOP's 10 year anniversary. This will be my second trip across country traveling between Charlotte and Missouri in 2 weeks, with a lot more to come before landing in Kansas City fore real - with more than a suitcase.
This week and a half after moving has been quite challenging, but really really good for me at the same time. I'm excited to move to Kansas City and see what God has there, but for now, much work remains.
Still in Psalm 42 - loving it, being in it, learning from it.

So there is an intern here at ZHOP that is from Iceland. He got here about a week and a half ago, same time I did. He's here for a month and gets to come with a bunch of us going to KC next week for the 10 year reunion. I'm excited for him, and I keep thinking about it... though i don't know really why. But can you imagine? Your from Iceland, in your 20's. You come to America from your tiny island nation and not only do you get to experience life in North Carolina in prayer for a month, but you get to do the crazy American road trip in the midst of it. All to see a gathering of people that love prayer as much as you do. All in this massive gathering - roughly the size of your city all in one room. All I'm saying is that he better get a window seat.
How cool is that???
I'd be jazzed. I talked with him about it tonight, and I think he is.
I'm only touching on it, but I think It's awesome to see how many lives are changed from this place, and ministries like it across the world.
I like the prayer movement...

just a quick hi

2009-09-07T09:40:00.002-05:00

It's been hard to find the time to write lately. I apologize. I intend on getting better at it. I've been here in Charlotte for a week, trying to settle in in the midst of a community moving, and trying hard to be as helpful as possible.
Life has definitely been challenging lately (and I mean in the good type of way) and I'm excited to get to Kansas City and for now, just to be in the prayer room. It's been like a breath of fresh air.
Studying Ps 42, esp. when it speaks of Hoping in God in the midst of having a disquieted soul. There is something great about this part of the psalm, because David says it twice. I think there is something deeper to be learned, so I'm going after it.

love you all. more to come.

state of

2009-08-28T00:59:00.005-05:00

almost a bad day but not quite

2009-08-19T21:05:00.002-05:00

I have to start learning how to handle it better when someone is mad at me. It completely throws me off. I'm not a flexible person when it comes to conflict, if an issue can't be resolved when I want it to, the issue just becomes worse. There's just this desire inside of me for all of my relationships to be healthy and in proper working order - and well, i live in the real world, and that just doesn't happen all the time. What I'm learning I need to do is cling to God in these little moments... instead of clinging to the situation.
...I think i did a pretty good job today handling a situation like this. I ended up praying my way out of a day ruined (of course by me and my dwelling, I'm not speaking of the other person) and decided I wasn't going to let me stop me from beauty. From enjoying my beautiful surroundings here in Alaska.
The whole issue caught me via cell phone in the midst of a shopping trip. I was in downtown Juneau walking down a street congested with tourists from the cruise ships. Just fresh from getting a mocha from local Pie in the Sky. And it was good. But then it wasn't... And then the tourists looked like punching bags and not tourists (no, I'm not a tourist I'm an independent traveler - there is a difference). But a couple of deep breaths and "help me God's" and I did my best to shake it off.
And after shopping we went other places and I saw a bear in the wild. I saw a glacier and i saw mountains. I saw Sockeye Salmon filling up a mountain stream. I even saw a video of my dad singing, poorly I might add, karaoke. All things I definitely don't get to see every day...and wouldn't have seen if I hadn't gotten myself out of my dwelling-on-my-friend-is-mad-at-me-and-i'm-mad-too-funk.
All that to say, sometimes we have to look past obstacles to see beauty, but it's always there if we choose to see it. If we let ourselves, realizing that the temporal is really temporal, it's a lot easier to see the goodness of God along the path.

(As a footnote, I know the situation with my friend will get worked out in good time. I'm glad I didn't let it ruin my day. I'm totally realizing I need to be strengthened in this. the end)

alaska wet

2009-08-17T12:44:00.002-05:00

Got into Alaska last night. Juneau is wet and other than picking some fresh raspberries this morning from the backyard of the home we are staying at - that's all i know of it yet. It feels so nice to be up in the mountains and have time to relax. I hope it doesn't rain the whole time (which isn't normal my dad says) but it's in the forecast for the whole week (of course). Here's what i just read...

Zone Forecast: Juneau Borough and Northern Admiralty Island
Today...Rain...heavy at times. Windy. Highs around 59. South wind 15 to 25 mph. Gusts to 35 mph in exposed locations along gastineau channel.
Tonight...Rain. Lows around 54. South wind 10 to 20 mph. Chance of rain 90 percent.
Tuesday...Rain likely. Highs around 59. Southwest wind 15 mph. Chance of rain 60 percent.
Tuesday Night...Cloudy with a 40 percent chance of rain. Lows around 51. Light winds.
Wednesday...Cloudy with a 30 percent chance of rain. Highs around 60. Light winds.
Wednesday Night Through Friday Night...Rain likely. Lows around 52. Highs around 60.
Saturday And Saturday Night...Rain likely. Highs around 59. Lows around 50.
Sunday...Cloudy with a chance of rain. Highs around 60.

Enough about the rain.
So as you may or may not know - I am doing some major shifting and changing in my life all inside of this month. Saturday was my last day of working for Mama Jeans in Springfield. (That was nice, they threw me a pizza party and told me how much they loved me). At the end of the month, I am heading to Charlotte for a couple months to join Arin and the Zadok House of Prayer. And Ookay here's some news - after Charlotte I'm moving to Kansas City where I will be working with the former director of Z.HOP as his administrative assistant. I'll join staff of IHOPKCand work with the Justice Division there. I'm really excited about it...more to come later on that. For now, time to enjoy some alaska wetness.

hi

2009-08-12T23:39:00.004-05:00

Lots going on. Just got back from Chicago. Music festival with friends. Aaaamazing. My hair is short, that happened too. This is my last week at work. Next week I go to Alaska to visit my dad with my mom. Then, a couple of days before September I am going out to Charlotte.
Whew.
Goodness awaits and is happening right now. I'm happy.

the blog gets a face lift / loving others well

2009-08-03T00:02:00.012-05:00

So...what do you think? Isn't it pretty?
My talented friend Mara took my blog to a whole new level by adding a custom header she designed. (Which happens to look a lot like my little tattoo on my foot, also designed by Mara.:) I'm excited, and I feel cooler now. Especially since I plan on using it to keep every one updated as to what is going on with me as I move to Charlotte again to continue as a prayer missionary.
So thanks Mara...this post, well, it goes out to you and your coolness. I want to be like you. Blessing people with pretty custom artwork. Taking things in your lil-bit-o-spare time and making them better. Just because your nice and thoughtful. Yeaaah. Love you.

Today it started to sink in that I'm going to be leaving Spring-town for awhile. I'm going to miss a lot of people here while I'm away - my family, some co-workers, and of course my long time best girl friends like Mara (I'm blessed - these girls are amazing. And I'm gonna rrreeeally miss Friday night Bible study with them, le sigh). And today I thought about the wonderful people at my church - as I spent the day running around Springfield with them. Started it off by needing to wake up at 7:15 to be at worship practice, but actually missing my alarm and getting up around 8:43...oops. But all was well, worship went great and I got ready faster than I have in a long time. After church, a big group from church went to a gazebo (in a cemetery - kinda weird, but hey, it was pretty and peaceful) ate some lunch and played Frisbee. Then, went to putt-putt for a game in which I managed somehow to knock my self continually off the course...oops again. I realized that I shouldn't probably try and take myself seriously while aiming at things...I'm just not good at the whole hand eye coordination thing. Which was later confirmed as I put a few quarters in for the batting cages.
All of this in it's randomness to say, I love my church family here because they excel at community and loving each other so well. Everyone is nice and friendly and fun and accepting and ready to pray for one another. I've personally grown and learned a lot in the midst of my Vineyard friends as I've watched them love each other and me well. I think if God had something to say to them it would be something like commending them for living in Philippians 2:
"Therefore, if there is any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship in the Spirit, if any affection and mercy,
fulfill my joy by being like minded, having the same love, being of one accord of the mind. Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. (they do this reeeally well) Let each of you look out not only for his interests but also for the interests of others." Phil 2:1-4
When I was talking to a friend today on my way to the gazebo, we were talking about how the Vineyard loves each other well - and my friend brought up a good point. She said that she loves that she is never afraid of walking into gossip while talking to anyone from the Vineyard, and for that matter, she's never afraid of getting into a conversation where anyone is putting another person down. Wow. That's huge. (And she's on the leadership team people.) So I took a step back and thought about it...you know, if I had ever been in a situation with someone from church in which I heard anyone putting another down. Nope. Couldn't think of one. And sadly, this is sorta rare. Sometimes it's easy in the Body to do things through selfish ambition - which is when a lot of gossip and talking bad about one another can seep in. So as I was running around with my friends today I felt blessed. Because I love it when the church loves it's Body, and I get to know some great people who do it really well.

Lollapalooza 2009 Schedule

2009-08-01T01:14:00.002-05:00

winnie.seifert's Lollapalooza 2009 Schedule

Shared via AddThis

I'm excited to go to my first ever summer music festival this year. I'm going to see Neko Case, Passion Pit, Kings of Leon, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Vampire Weekend, Band of Horses, the Killers, Animal Collective, Santigold, Bon Iver, Fleet Foxes, Pete Bjorn and John...yey, I'm sure more too if my ears can take that much excitement.
I'm really looking forward to spending the weekend with some of my best friends and also seeing Arin after being in separate states for a month and a half. Also, never been to Chicago before. So lots to look forward to.

Rock on.

Article from Kansas City Star - IHOPKC

2009-07-27T16:03:00.009-05:00

http://www.kansascity.com/105/story/1346002.html

Wow. Just wow. This goes completely out of it's way to misconstrue.

the pilgrimage: time for it to happen

2009-07-18T21:10:00.004-05:00

i just finished the best cookie ever from the coffee ethic. some sort of berry oatmeal cookie. tasty. I'm sitting across from my sister who is studying her brains out for comps this week. lovely day - and when i say lovely day i mean really! it was 75 degrees today in the middle of july. it was a little breath of spring in the middle of summer.
Things have been great lately and a lot is going on. To fill you in a bit - I am going to Lollapalooza this year with friends August 7-9th, then Alaska to see my dad with my mom (and hopefully my sister) August 16-23rd, then I am making the journey to Charlotte to stay for a undetermined amount of time. I'm really excited for all of it. Lolla for the great music, to see my dad and see Alaska's beauty, and to be with Arin in Charlotte as well as fantastic friends, and of course, the prayer room. The next season will be me jumping into, again, being a full time prayer missionary. I'm excited. Pray with me as a get funding together and join up with Arin in the South. :)
Definitely on a pilgrimage.

More later. Gonna go romp around in the beautiful Springfield weather we are having.

psalm 84

2009-07-12T16:52:00.005-05:00

Yikes...I started this post a week ago and haven't finished it. Trying to keep up with blogging but this season has been fast. Here ya go.

Wow what a week. 8 days of dog-sitting with a total of 3 houses. On my watch this week: 2 king charles cavaliers, 1 schnauzer, and 2 golden-doodles. I'm glad to be home now but it was good. bark bark. woof.

In the past 8 days dog sitting I've really gotten a lot out of Psalm 84 - lots of time in between feedings, work, treats, pets, and letting the dogs out to meditate. Particularly the verse that says "Blessed is the man who's strength is in You. Whose heart is set on pilgrimage."

I've thought a lot about what it means to be strong in the Lord. And if you think about it, it doesn't look like what we think strength in the natural sense looks like. At all. Think about what you think it means to be strong...Wealth. Prestige. Power. Influence. And of course the ever popular thought on strength: physical strength. You know, nice, big, toned muscles. The kind that throw large rocks.
As I've thought about strength in the Lord I've realized it actually looks opposite - it looks like weakness. It looks like foolery. It looks like intentionally putting yourself in someone's invisible hands, a choosing of voluntary weakness. And any time you put your strength in someone else's hands there is going to be a great deal of trust going on. Being strong in the Lord takes trust, it takes guts. It takes faith. It takes laying a down of your own strength.

I've also thought about what it means to be set on pilgrimage. That it takes time. That pilgrims don't stay where they are, they move ahead. They know where they are going, but they often don't know what the journey will hold and even more importantly - what the destination will actually look like. What they experience along the way is mystery until it comes upon them. Pilgrims sacrafice much to move forward into new land.

So what am i saying? Blessed is the man who is weak and goes on long faith journeys?
Yes. I guess I'm also saying to myself that I am called to this. Being strong in the Lord and having one's heart set on pilgrimage can often look crazy to the world. Foolery, as I said above, comes to mind. But following this crazy leader Jesus into His perfect will takes foolery to the eyes of man...So, call me a fool and I hope I start act like one.

fast post: 4th of july 3 day weekend. yess!

2009-07-05T19:42:00.005-05:00

here comes a fast post. i am in the middle of a fabulous 4th of july 3 day weekend. this fabulous weekend has so far consisted of:

- me missing my boyfriend terribly. I'm so very angsty. Just kidding about the second part.

- dog-sitting for family friends. they have a pool and 3 cuuute deeogies.

- lots of phone conversations pool-side though it's strangely mild weather - only 70 degrees outside. = no swimming.

- passion pit playing over and over and over again my car (it's good summer stuff, gearing me up for Lollapalooza.)

- really loving psalm 84. been reading and meditating and re-reading it (the repetition is like unto passion pit). But especially the part when it speaks of those who are strong in the Lord going on a pilgrimage. And through the pilgrimage passing through the Valley of Baca (Weeping). But then, amazingly, turning the valley into springs and pools and good stuff. All concluding in then meeting God in Zion... I love how our journey with God is never quite what we expect. Though the destination is often veiled (hello, unseen God), by faith we believe in the resurrection and cultivation of our lives in Christ when He appears, or when we meet Him, which ever happens to come first.... more on this later.

- my friend Lindsay came back into town. She's been gone for the summer riding horses and helping troubled teenage girls. We ate Indian food today with friends. I tried it all. Very tasty stuff. Particularly the fried cauliflower.

- fireworks with Asian exchange students at their teacher's house, which happens to be my friend Phil. We had lovely conversation about God and discipleship in between loud firecrackers.

- watering my orchid friend. it's going well so far, it's not dead yet.

- practicing electric guitar. this proves to be difficult. scales for a little bit each day. should be longer. i have a long way to go.

okay, that's tidbits from me for now.

sigur ros birthday email

2009-06-28T16:49:00.002-05:00

nýja lagið from sigur-ros.co.uk on Vimeo.

I got a little birthday email from Sigur Ros last week. It's a clip from a show from 1999 in the Iceland Opera house. Enjoy

birfweek 2009 - turning 27

2009-06-25T20:09:00.009-05:00

birthday was yesterday. it's been the best birfweek ever.
highlights: 1. a going away party for Arin/birthday party for myself and our wonderful friend Nikki. Pretty Ugly (Arin's band) played along with Fontee Fount (some total hipster friends from Springfield that moved to Washington) in the comfort of 95 degree heat, lots and lots of people, and all in Arin's living room. There were memories as good friends parted ways, tears shed, and a whole lot of dancing. I for one couldn't believe that there were such great bands playing at my birthday party. You should have seen my goofy grin after I got over my party anxiety (after all, I am an introvert) and realized the greatness of what was happening... 2. I have a new toy. I am now the happy owner of one Fender Telecaster electric guitar thanks to Arin. Happiest of birthday's to me. :) Now I just have to learn how to be good at the guitar... 3. Spent my birthday with my mom and sister at the pool. Lovely. It actually rained for the first time in two weeks. 4. Dinner party with best friends included summer melon soup, apricot stuffed pork tenderloin, squash salad, green bean salad, and a sweet and salty cake with Askinosie chocolate and sea salt. It was birthday party in my mouth...
4. I'm in love. Everything that is coming out of my mouth right now is just too chipper for normal. I'm a mess. Love love love love. Yep.
Enjoy the pictures.

a quote from one wise woman.

2009-06-15T18:26:00.002-05:00

"Remember to always elevate your faith above your feelings. Why? Because that which you elevate highly will govern you. Feelings change, but the precepts of faith are unchanging. Feelings change, but truth changes you. Always allow yourself to be governed by that which is eternal rather than that which is so temporary.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight." 2 Cor 5:7
Never allow your life circumstances to define you. Instead, let them refine you. Hard things are like heavenly sandpaper on your life. God uses them to shape and mold you into a work of art. When you feel the pressure of trials, remember that God won't allow them to crush you; He intends for them to make you beautiful. (2 Cor 4:8-9)
Always exercise courage even when you don't feel confident. Courage is a choice; confidence is a feeling. Remember that courage and confidence are not the same thing. Be brave, for bravery broadens you. Fear limits you.
Ask God to help you overcome earthly fear by developing reverence for Him. The only fear that brings you wisdom is the fear of God. Fear Him, reverence Him, and nothing else will shake you."

- Jennifer Rothschild

blogger or wordpress?

2009-06-14T22:30:00.004-05:00

on the wordpress vs. blogger thing
I think due to Wordpress's inability to put widgets/javascript/html (whatever you call it) on the blog, I may stick with blogger. I know it's not good to be fickle on such things - but for now you have options if you read my blog - blogger or wordpress...I'll keep posting on both of them until I decide what I want to do.
on the whole life thing...
it's good.

the end.

Forever Young

2009-06-10T00:02:00.005-05:00

Today was Arin's mom's funeral. Despite it being a classic un-happy occasion it was a beautiful day. Lots of friends, family, and good moments today in spite of hard circumstances (as you can see from the pictures - also a good moment: walking with friends down the Joplin streets after the reception tonight).
One of my favorite moments of the day was on my way home from Joplin tonight. I was driving back by myself under a green sky of thunderstorms and therefore had my radio on to listen for the weather...something that I try hard not to do (not a big radio fan). So I was listening to the classics on good ole 105.1 and Rod Stewart's Forever Young came on the radio. Now, I have never really been into Rod but beautiful Miss Linda Gilbert was (Rod and the amazing, the talented - Michael Bolton... Believe it or not she was something close to the founder or leader of the Michael Bolton fan club! She LOOOVED Rod and Michael). Anyway, she particularily loved the song Forever Young. So when it came on the radio as I was driving home, I pumped it up and called Arin and sang it to him on his voicemail.
Ha! It actually made me cry after I got off the phone because the lyrics were so perfect. So here's the lyrics and here's to you Linda! I will miss you and am going to buy a Rod Stewart's greatest hits album (not sure if I can do Michael Bolton) as soon as I can...

May the good lord be with you
Down every road you roam
And may sunshine and happiness
Surround you when youre far from home
And may you grow to be proud
Dignified and true
And do unto others
As youd have done to you
Be courageous and be brave
And in my heart youll always stay
Forever young, forever young
Forever young, forever young

May good fortune be with you
May your guiding light be strong
Build a stairway to heaven
With a prince or a vagabond

And may you never love in vain
And in my heart you will remain
Forever young, forever young
Forever young, forever young
Forever young
Forever young

And when you finally fly away
Ill be hoping that I served you well
For all the wisdom of a lifetime
No one can ever tell

But whatever road you choose
Im right behind you, win or lose
Forever young, forever young
Forever young ,forever young
Forever young, forever young
For, forever young, forever young

keep reaching for the invisible God.

2009-06-06T20:31:00.007-05:00

"I will abide in your tabernacle forever; I will trust in the shelter of Your wings. For You, O God, have heard my vows. You have given me a heritage of those who fear Your name." Ps 61:4-5

This verse makes me think of what it means to trust as a Christian. It also makes me think of the people who make up the house of prayer and what it means to be a priest. (and let me be clear, when I say priest I don't necessarily mean men that live celibate lives and wear white collars. I also don't only mean those that are on full time staff at houses of prayer) It makes me think of those that go into prayer rooms or prayer closets, day in and day out, rain or shine, tough or easy, to worship God. And not just the people who pray now, but the people who stayed and prayed in generations past. The Annas. The Stephens. The odd balls. The weird flag ladies. The old testament priests who had to deal with all that nasty, sticky, blood. The ones who haven't yet stood on the wall of their hearts continually but will. And the ones that are standing now in churches and prayer rooms and prayer closets across the world that are paying their vows. Abiding in the tabernacle. Trusting only in the shelter of His wings.

Because to God, prayer and worship are important. A priest in my mind is anyone who stands before God on behalf of men. Praying and worshipping, asking for God His will to be done on earth as it is in heaven...And to God, that's really important.

It must be said that the Christian life, whatever it looks like, it isn't exactly easy. To worship and trust in an invisible God and invisible wings is harder sometimes than to trust in the things that are seen. Anyone that trusts in God for outcomes related to life in general, experiences the pains of a sovereign God who happens to also be invisible, and lets face it, a lot of the times, silent too. To trust means to put fate in someone else's hands. It's to give up control and lean on an unseen outcome at the ability of someone else to preform it. And it isn't easy when the One you are trusting is A. a crazy leader and is B. invisible...

Trust is faith put into motion. We all know of it. We all experience it if we are believers...

Those who give up their lives to abide in the tabernacle, to trust in the shelter of invisible wings, truly hear their vows ringing in their own ears. (For You, O God, have heard my vows...and I would add, "and so have I!") Day after day waking up wondering if it is really worth it because it is UNSEEN. it is a life of TRUST. it is FAILING to rely on our own strength on purpose.

I guess what I am saying is two things have been on my heart to pray for the past few months:

1. The burden to pray for those that are truly trusting in an invisible and often silent good God for outcomes beyond their control.

2. The burden to pray for the prayer movement and for those who do it continually to truly see their purpose- to stand before God on the behalf of men. I'm praying that they would be strengthened in their hearts to continue to give it all because He's worth it. To be living sacrifices that I believe strengthen the rest of the Body of Christ into deeper levels of trust and commitment to the Lord.

To my friends at ZHOP and elsewhere: keep going. He's worth it. You are too.

To my friends who are really needing to see God's goodness: Keep going. He's good. He's trustworthy and hears the cries of Your heart.

sad week

2009-06-06T00:51:00.003-05:00

Arin's mom passed away yesterday around 10:30am.

It's been quite a week. Pray for the Gilbert family.

Thank you.

He Invited me In

2009-05-31T22:34:00.008-05:00

I'm gonna be honest...I wrote this post on Sunday and never finished it due to some hospital visits to Joplin. I wanted to go ahead and post it even though it's semi-rough draftish because last week God really moved some fundamentals from head to heart knowledge that I wanted to share.
I will add that Arin's mom is still not doing well and in ICU. I don't know that she is going to pull out of it. Please pray for Arin's mom, Arin, and his family. It's all my little heart can think of right now really. Thanks for praying.
......................
Please pray for Arin's mom (her name is Linda). Since Tuesday she has been in ICU fighting off an infection in her blood and in her kidney and she's not doing a whole lot of winning. get your pray on. thanks.

I don't know much more to say than that right now. I painted a door red tonight, went to church this morning, and went to the pool with friends (not in that order). It's been a good day in the midst of a roller coaster week (with mainly the above being why). Though probably because of it all, this week God's been talking to me about the mystery that we are saved by grace through faith in Christ. I've had a couple of nights this week that I have felt very "dark but lovely" with an emphasis on the dark part. And in the midst of that feeling Thursday night I decided to do something about it. So I plopped myself in my room, shut the door, and sung and played my darkness out of me...at least for a few moments. It was really good, a lot of pitchy noises came out of me (kinda like squeeking) but what came into the room was the good ole presence of God...and when He comes into the room...well, nothing beats that feeling.
Anyway, while singing and playing had a little vision come to my mind that made me realize that I really am nothing apart from Him. In the vision (when I say vision, it's more like an idea that the Holy Spirit lets me run with) I saw a picture of myself... I was wearing a big black shirt playing the scary villian role and Jesus wearing the gleaming white (like Tide clean white) shirt. Classic. And somehow, the most curious thing happened. Just because He was nice enough, He invited me, the scary villian black shirt girl, to be His friend. Of course I took the invitation and to my surprise here I am, no more villian, but not because I did anything to deserve it...only because of Him. Only because He invited me. Only because He is good and I get to hang out with Him.
And as our friendship grew I began to think that if I could just be by Him long enough maybe I could start to look like Him, you know, like you do when you grow old with someone or start to look like your dogs. And if I could just be next to Him long enough maybe I'd start to talk like Him; like you do if you move to the southern part of America and all of the sudden your saying things like "fixin to" instead of the normal "I am getting ready to...". And if I could just be by Him long enough maybe I'd start to act like He does. If I could just be by Him long enough maybe I'd start to walk, breathe, smell, etc etc etc.
Anyway, after I sat there with those thoughts it changed from head to heart knowledge: that I don't bring anything to the table other than that. Other than what my time with Him and our friendship lets me become. I started out a villian and a beggar in a big black shirt. He's just nice enough to invite me in and give me some new clothes and let me be His friend.

yey day

2009-05-25T19:36:00.003-05:00

So far it has been a great memorial day weekend. A pretty great week too. Today I spent some time helping Michelle and Jeff plant a grand total of 12 boxwood shrubs. Since I don't really have a place of my own it's about the extent of my gardening this year. Actually planting at Michelle's has been the extent of my gardening for most of my adult existence. Which by the way, gardening is something I could totally see myself loving in the future, if only the slight hiccup of allergies could get out of the way. Anyway, after a round of speed digging in the rain in the 9th inning of planting it was all accomplished. Then we all went over to a friends house for an impromptu dinner party that included entertaining dogs, of course fun grill food, and cookies.

I don't know why I'm posting about all of this other than to say I have had some great times the past couple of weeks with friends. It's been like a non-stop fun month for me. Surprisingly I'm not totally exhausted by it either, (yet) and being the introvert that I am I typically can't handle this notch on the hangout button..

So here's to planting in the rain and peanut butter cookies and impromptu dinner parties! Here's to backpacking and bible study friday nights and movies with arin with fixed guitar strings. Here's to crying at church because I needed to and lots of time playing with Lilly the dog and talking to my mom about life and God. Here's to BBQs and wiffle ball games and making funny facebook videos with katherine (well, we thought they were funny)...

Yey. God makes life so good...

4 thoughts

2009-05-23T00:42:00.003-05:00

thoughts for the day:

1. I love Goat Milk Blueberry Pomegrante Keifer. I enjoyed some today and yesterday. Probiotic and smoothie like. Things like this have been added to my diet since working at a health food store and it’s been great for me. I feel like I have more energy and have actually lost some weight. (Not that the weight was a goal of mine. It just sorta happened. Probably mostly due to eating better things for me during the day.)

2. “Things are going to change, I can feel it.” (come on where’s that line from? hint: it’s a song you’d know really well in middle school if you are my age, which happens to be 26 almost 27) I actually don’t just feel it, I know it. More on that later.

3. I have loved loved loved my time with friends lately. Been attending many a bbq and have been making what I know will be really great memories later on. It’s been such a fantastic spring! (I sound like a cheerleader or something) In addition to all of these great times, I hope tonight goes well. It’s the girls bible study that happens every Friday and a couple of friends of mine that have never been are attending. While I’m girl-ing it up Arin is having a “man night”. I’m sure there will be fire and punching or something.

4. The verse in Proverbs 2 “Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.” has been following me around wherever I go. Somehow any time I try and meditate on another verse it doesn’t work. I think I’m stuck here for good reasons. Having this verse roll around my mind has been so comforting that I can’t explain. I love how the Word is ACTIVE! It definitely has held me hostage this week.

ps. follow me to the newbie site: http://winnies33.wordpress.com

backpacking

2009-05-17T21:36:00.003-05:00

(hello, before reading please note: follow me now to www.winnies33.wordpress. i'm making the switch)

Sometimes the best things in life make us sore. Which is what I am post-backpacking this weekend with two friends – James and Lindsay. Lindsay and James kept planning and planning a trip only to get thwarted by a host of Missouri thunderstorms, and this weekend looked the like the same fate. However, we started driving anyway, hoping against hope that bad weather wouldn’t crush a good weekend spent in the wilderness.

So, as we approached our destination in northern Missouri I checked my radar on my techy G1 phone and saw a big red line of storms due south heading straight for us. We decided to go back home – thinking it would last too long for our backpacking trip. Then, hoping, we sat in the car in the midst of a lit up sky and asked God what He thought about us going. We heard a yes, and to our destination we went. As soon as we got there the storm met us, and we sat in the car together and rode it out. Turned out that the storm didn’t last as long as the weather people predicted, and within a couple of hours it was safe for us to pitch our tents and get some sleep.

The rest of the journey was incredible. I’d never actually been backpacking so I was a bit nervous that I wouldn’t be hard-core enough…but I was. It was perfect. We hiked 8 hours the first day and 5 the second. We camped and there was fire with wet wood and noodles for dinner. We saw beauty. We prayed. We enjoyed looking at plants and even enjoyed (sometimes) going around all of the trees in our path because of the previous wind storm/thunderstorm/tornado from a couple of weeks ago.

I haven’t had a weekend where my mind rested such as this one for a long time. I seriously couldn’t conger up an intense thought if I wanted to. My brain was simply taking one step at a time and enjoying the process. It was on auto-pilot and it’s exactly what i needed. I guess a little storm, some decisions, some soreness, and some beauty were exactly what i needed.

theme-y

2009-05-09T01:08:00.003-05:00

NOTE: Go to www.winnies33.wordpress.com for this blog on my new blog...eventually I will cut this one on blogger out...okay, now to the post.

i hope to blog soon about something I'm learning about the knowledge of God, understanding, or faith...but for now I'm just going to write quickly and then head to bedie-bye..yeah, I said bed-ie bye.

So I just got home from bible study with the girls in which we ate dinner, talked about our weeks, watched Kristin Wig preform Gilly and Penelope (as Lindsay calls her the "one upper"), and then finally discussed Ephesians 1. I think Fridays are becoming my favorite night of the week. It hasn't been monumental crazy downloads from the Bible yet or even overly emotional girlie time (which I happen to love) but it has been really really solid. Really good conversation and great food and laughs and a lot of friendship. It's like a good cup of coffee or something, I don't know how to describe it.

Not that this really leads in but it's something I was thinking about: So often I walk away from bible studies (in general - not just this one) amazed at how "theme'y" God seems to be. Or maybe just how we as humans are. But probably more like the Holy Spirit is really theme-y. Certain nights of any study lend themselves to the theme-yness (and sometimes it can be very frequent in seasons or in particular groups) - and often when it does get theme-y the theme may or may not have much to do with the actual scripture that is being read...it just is where the Holy Spirit wants to lead for the night.

Last night I went to homegroup for the Vineyard church that I go to, and the scripture was Acts 1 but the topic we got into was on faith and believing God for our decisions. We basically talked about casting lots and how we (as the church today) aren't in the habit of believing that God works that way anymore. Tonight, we discussed Ephesians 1 and got on, and stayed, on the spirit of wisdom. I dunno, all I'm saying is Holy Spirit seems theme-y and I like it. i'm sure you've noticed that He does it in our lives too. I've noticed we operate on seasonal schedules (and God is definitely in charge of the schedule...sometimes the seasons are shorter lived or longer lived than we would like). In our theme-y seasons God is creating little (yeah okay, sometimes big) scenes that build the story of our lives. Each season/scene/chapter is made with it's own props and cast of characters. They are separate and where God wants to go (as though we are merely along for the ride at times) chapters we can't and shouldn't escape from and in the end they all are linked together...

I dunno, like I said, no real point. Just saying God is theme-y and I like it.

Gnight.

contentment vs. discontentment

2009-05-04T00:32:00.003-05:00

i feel like taking one big sigh after this weekend, which is what i'm going to do tomorrow on some good ole fashion day off time. what could/should i do...i may work on my painting, maybe make a new mix cd, maybe go on a nice long walk (if perhaps it would stop spitting in the sky) maybe make a hair appointment because my hair is overgrown...

I don't know, all i know is that i want life abundantly and I want lots and lots of God... Today i was talking with my brother in law and asked him how his life was. He said, "it's fine, nothing really happens." When he said that I asked what he meant, if he meant nothing new happens or just nothing happens in general, to which he replied something curious, he said, "both"...

i have to say I often feel the same, and sort of live in this tension of not wanting to but sort of needing to accept it. And so I thought about this for a little while. perhaps too long. See I'm a lot like my bro-in-law in that I'm constantly living in the future. Fighting for something to peak my interest and hold it there. Mystery. Excitement. Pushing myself along, being way too hard on myself at times, and wanting "the more". And wonder what kind of world it would be like to live as a person who lives in a state of okay-ness or just plain old contentment. What would it be like to be sort of care free and in the moment? I don't know very well, though I can say I've had a few moments of it here and there, but i certainly don't frequent the head-space. I can't say that I really mind being myself but I know I need to learn how to step back and enjoy things a bit more. Then again. I never want to let go of that part of me that searches and longs for "the more". And from my searching and longing I keep clining to hope that life isn't more than things just staying the same and nothing ever really happening...I want to beat mundane to a pulp and live in abundant...I hope for the contentment but I often stay in the discontentment...

Humph. How does one juggle this? Which one is better to live in? I know I know...balance. Maybe? Right.

ps. I'm going to make the switch to wordpress after a few more tweekings it should be ready, and once i decide for sure to abandon blogger... but here's the site address in case you want to start reading from there: www.winnies33.wordpress.com

Mr Deer

2009-04-30T14:01:00.008-05:00

i made coffee. that was about the only thing i made today that really worked. I tried to make Arin a cake for his birthday (it's tomorrow) and there's a big dent unexplainably in the middle. Not sure what happened. It could be eatable. Then my lunch was this pot-pie i put in the oven and that somehow blew up too. Not eatable.
I'm not so great at the whole cooking/baking thing...
However, after I lamented over the cake and got way too emotionally driven by it I decided (with a little help from a friend) that things are good anyway. Because they are. God is talking.
So I've been asking God for faith right? And I prayed in faith for some pretty specific things to happen this week that would show me I was pointing in the right direction...mostly with the question of whether or not to make the move back to South Carolina in July.
So, in the midst of a desperate night of prayer I asked God to make two things happen: 1. (I'll preface this one first.) While I was praying this specific night for these specific things I was dog sitting at my friend's house. They have a lovely deck and a lovely clearing behind their house which leads into some lovely woods. So while I was praying on their deck I asked God (in writing) to make some deer come out of the woods that night in answer to what I was praying about. I even told God in my unbelief that He probably wouldn't answer me that way, but what does it hurt to ask? So after about an hour I left the deck and let the dogs inside...no deer. However, I noticed later that my phone was still on the deck. When I went out to get it, I side-glanced the woods hoping that there would be something there...and I as I looked...two deer came out of the woods. They were only out for a matter of something like 2 minutes. I stood there dumb founded and not knowing what to do. Inner monologue: "oh wow, I forgot that You listen..."
2. I also prayed that same night that someone who I haven't heard from in several months would call me by the end of Tuesday. This person doesn't really make personal phone calls all that often. I prayed it because I needed some encouragement wanted an "or" just in case the deer didn't come out of the woods. After the deer made an appearance, I doubly asked God for the phone call because I needed to know that those deer don't make daily rounds at my friends house, and well, basically more unbelief / working out faith. So Tuesday after a Target run I went to check my phone. I had a missed call. I looked and it was just my friend Lindsay. I love Lindsay, but that wasn't the phone call that made the deer real. Then I went up stairs, got something to eat. Came back down stairs and there was another phone call. This time, weird number with a voice mail. Got the voice mail and it was Michelle. Love Michelle, but that wasn't it either. Walked away from my phone, picked it up to leave the house and there it was: 1 text message from one "Mr. Deer" with content of much encouragement. Yeah, I know it wasn't a phone call...but it was enough for me.

So I may have blown up a cake and got emotional over it and some other things today, but God is listening and speaking. And I'm having fun now not leaning on my own understanding but letting this crazy thing called life unfold.
Lets not be afraid to ask Him to speak. He loves meeting our specific requests because then we know that it's Him and His crazy leadership that makes us ask and also provides the answer.

trying for trusting

2009-04-28T11:44:00.004-05:00

I'm off two days this week. I'm excited, though I have proved to do nothing interesting with my day off yet. Just woke up and got some coffee and started praying via the ole journal. I have two days off this week because I'm working Sunday at a thing here in Springfield called Arts Fest. A part of my little job promotion at work was to help get Mama Jeans into community events, this being that. Arts Fest is a outdoor art festival, where 10,000 people usually come and walk around the historic Walnut street and look at pretty things (and hopefully buy food...because that's what we are doing). It's supposed to rain all weekend, gulp, we will see what happens. Anyway, I'm just writing about that because of no good reason, other than telling you a little about the day to day stuff...

Here's more day to day stuff: I have been stressed a bit. Trying not to be really hard and it doesn't always work - trying for trusting in Jesus's leadership over my life. (I know, I know, this is nothing new. Nothing I haven't already expressed before.) But leaning not on one's own understanding can be a real challenge... Especially when one is prone to try and figure everything out on her own. I really need a bit (just a bit would do) of God's brain to come and take over my weak and feeble one. I need a little push more than anything. Okay, maybe a big one - more like a shove. I think I got stuck in a bit of fear and need help out. So there's that.

Yep, that's all I got for now. I'm going to go do something semi productive now.

bro-man lawrence

2009-04-23T16:41:00.009-05:00

So I'm finally jumping on the Brother Lawrence train and reading his book - The Practice of the Presence of God. Today as I was reading (on the deck - see awesome picture) some letters spoke to me about my current topic of choice: faith.
(ha! this is funny... So right now I'm over at a friend's house typing this while dog sitting - two beautiful golden-doodles by the way - and I'm listening to their itunes. I don't really know what they have on here, but as soon as I typed the word "faith" Katie Reed's Faith Breathes song started to play... I didn't know I gave them this cd (ps - i happen to sing on it, and sang on Katie's team for a long time @ zadok - which makes it near and dear to mi heart). Not only that, but I think this little moment of song has some extra juice on it because it confirms something I was thinking about earlier today. That most times God doesn't really speak on the circumstantial matters i (we) think He should, but He so often talks about the things I (we) learn in scripture.)
Anyway...here's Bro-man Lawrence
"Take courage! God often allows us to go through difficulties to purify our souls and to teach us to rely on Him more (1 Peter 1:6-7). So offer Him your problems unceasingly, and ask Him for the strength to overcome them...When the difficulties are at their worst, go to Him humbly and lovingly - as a child goes to a loving father - and ask for the help you need from His grace...
"God has various ways of drawing us to Him but sometimes He hides from us. In those times, the sole support of our confidence must be our faith, which must be totally in God. Such faith will not fail.
(and this is what I LOVED)
"...If we knew how much He loves us, we would always be ready to face life - both its pleasures and its troubles. The difficulties of life do not have to be unbearable. It is the way we look at them - through faith or unbelief - that makes them seem so. We must be convinced that our Father is full of love for us and that He only permits trials to come our way for our own good.
"Let us occupy ourselves entirely in knowing God. The more we know Him, the more we will desire to know Him. As love increases with knowledge, the more we know God, the more we will truly love Him. We will learn to love Him equally in times of distress or in our times of great joy."
- Bro-man Lawrence: The Practice of the Presence of God
12th and 13th letter

the mustard seed

2009-04-22T19:13:00.003-05:00

I loaded up the jars at mama jeans today, as I do most days for the past month. Today as I filled the brown, of course organic, mustard seeds I was reminded of the faith verse... God has been teaching me a lot about faith, speaking it over me and reminding me of it wherever I go.
It's pretty small huh? And that size of faith can actually move things? ... really

test post

2009-04-21T13:43:00.005-05:00

This is a test post from my phone...we'll see how it works. I just got a g1 thanks to arin. Its nifty. I love technology....mkay. I'm on my way to kc for the day. More later...

thunderstormsandclingyvoicesandredsocks

2009-04-19T01:05:00.004-05:00

thunderstorms tonight. my heart feels jumbly, forgive me in advance for an experience in a jumble-jenn-thoughts post.
At work today i had the feeling like i just wanted to jump ship (le sigh...long week). i think i hit a wall with it and felt like God asked me nicely to climb over it (not for work's sake, but for mine). So I tried all morning, and going to lunch at my sister's house helped. It's typical that I go over to michelle's house for lunch - she lives right down the street and so I go almost every day. It's a part of my routine. Eat quickly. Let out the dogs. Etc. And though a part of my routine, today I just wanted the daily routine (of work, of thoughts, of struggles, of crazy health food people) to stop with all of it's noisy clingy voices. I wanted it to stop and to feel known and loved in the midst of it. So, when Michelle was home it was such a blessing and having her love, listen, and know me. I might have cried. Sometimes it feels so good to have someone know every little part of you and love you anyway.
Tonight when I finally made it home I just spent the night with Him. I didn't really get anywhere specific, mostly because my thoughts are a little jumbly tonight, but I did get to that place were again I felt known, listened to, and loved. The thunderstorms and worship sets in the background helped. My carpet and my favorite red socks helped. I like it when there's no pressure to really get specific with my prayer time but just to spend the time. He's worthy and I'm in need.

न्यू-एर थिंग्स

2009-04-16T23:58:00.003-05:00

When I started typing the title for this post it just started going to into...is that Arabic? I can't really tell, but I decided to keep it. i can't even remember what it says and have no idea how that happened.
Anyway, here are some new (er) things going on with me...

1. there are a lot people I love with birthdays in april and may...lots.
2. work has been a bit better these days, at least not boring. i've been working hard @ MJ buying for new departments and traveling from store to store. if you would happen to see me at work i'd probably be so enthralled in go-mode i would scarcely notice. unfortunately it's either feast or famine around there.
3. i'm still crying out for "the more". "The more" is what I now refer to when I think of more of God's presence, more of the abundant life He promises, more of...well...Him. Lately I frequently use this phrase in my prayers and I think that He likes it, or at least I do. It's what I say when I don't know what I'm praying for as more than an abstraction of what it would be like to simply be closer to Him.
4. A few of my friendships are getting really awesome, and by awesome i mean awesome... Some are new friendships and some are older friendships. But I'm finding lately an abundance of good conversations and God seems to be showing up (in pretty noticeable ways) for each of them. Consequently I'm finding out a lot about myself from all the in-depth awesomeness and am feeling more free for more self-disclosure. This always feels really great, especially if your me and it seems to take a little longer (more like ridiculously long) to really get to that spot.
5. I'm doing a Bible study with my college roommates and a handful of new-er friends of ours that i am really loving. It's just plain fun. Every Friday night after work I get together with friends and make dinner, we read together (we've been going through galatians and are almost done), talk a lot - Bible things and just randomness, and then do some worship. It's fun and it takes all night and I looove it. Tomorrow night it is at my humble abode and there will be coffee, tea, and cake.
6. there are still some big questions I am asking but am trusting God for. And i think i'm actually doing a lot better in the trust/faith department as I open my heart up to the Word and seek to learn more from Him. The unseen seems way more important to me than my own agendas, and it makes for lots more peace in the day to day.

so, that's all i can think of tonight, holla at me if your reading this. I haven't heard from some of you in awhile.

happy easter

2009-04-12T15:21:00.008-05:00

As i type this i'm eating the easter bunny my grandmother gave to me. it's a very good easter bunny. i just ate the ears and thought that the picture was appropriate. it's been a rainy and cold day - just got back from eating lunch and previously church with my mother. i really liked the service we went to. it was very evangelistic and well put together. there were videos and well rehearsed songs and people on stage with matching pastel colors. - i typically don't like those sort of things but today i felt tears coming down my face as I listened to all the energy this church was taking to present the gospel - and i felt God. I thought about how many people that were there searching for God or people that were simply there because it is Easter... and that's what people in America do on Easter Sunday. i thought of so many friends and so many people in my life right now who are searching, who are hoping for the more... The pastor talked about romans 8:11 and how knowing Jesus changes everything. It changes how we see our lives and the same resurrection power that rose Jesus from the dead is working in our lives to change us. And sometimes I forget that. Sometimes in the midst of doing life I forget that I am His workmanship, and that His love is perfecting me because Jesus lives inside of me. I've been thinking a lot about how to walk in the Spirit lately, and it seems overwhelming at times how weak and broken my attempts at being good are. But it isn't my goodness it is His that is perfecting me! Oh how complicated I can make it when His love is so freely given, when the resurrection power that Jesus has He offers to me...

cold balmy Shelby's coffee and loud noisy guitar solos

2009-04-07T01:37:00.009-05:00

Yesterday was another quick trip to the prayer room KC. I went sorta impromptu, okay, really impromptu. I think the phrase "Jenn, hunny, your crazy" came out of my mom's mouth later on in the night when I met her at Shelby's gas station in the middle of nowhere (she was going to KC to meet up w/ my dad for the fabulous journey to Alaska. We like Shelby's and happened to be there at the same time, which amounted to me getting free coffee. It was great. the end). She's probably right - it was a cold balmy day and it actually didn't make much sense to go. Even when I got there it was loud and noisy and I had a hard time focusing. But I went feeling like God was dropping it in my spirit to, so I just wanted to recognize that little voice inside and just go. While I was in the prayer room I was trying to pray about the verse in proverbs 2 where it says: "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, And lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge Him in all of your ways and He will direct your paths." I didn't get much on it, being distracted and all. There were loud guitar solos, lots and lots of distortion on the drums (I know, weird), and internationals praying about Latin America in various languages...which is good...and I promise I prayed with them...but I was distracted and felt like I was supposed to arrive at... something.
As it came time to drive home I was tempted to get frustrated by my distractions, seemingly wasted day, and lack of arriving at "the something". And then I just started laughing. And i mean really laughing, the sort of laughing that invokes questioning about the reasoning of the laughing. And as I asked my crazy Navigator what the heck the day was all about, if anything, and He simply said: trust. (Which being the bright one I am it didn't really click all at once that the verse I was meditating on was just that.) I think He just wanted me to trust in His crazy leadership and just spend the day asking Him who He was and how He felt. And even simpler, He just wanted to spend time with me... He just wanted me. Me to follow Him. Me to trust Him when I don't understand - for the small things like a day trip to KC and for the big things that I won't even get in to. And though I don't always understand - there's typically laughing and free coffee and blessings in the following...So, I still don't fully understand, but I do like my crazy Navigator.

what? really?

2009-04-04T18:42:00.003-05:00

Is it really April? Gravy. April? 2009? Where the heck does time go to? It's like a race I didn't know I was running. Or like something I saw move out of the corner of my eye. There are people out with their lawn mowers, my allergies are starting to flare, and I forgot that it's spring again. It felt like it was spring a moment ago. It felt like 2008 was a moment ago. And why don't I feel like I'm any closer to figuring out life? I thought I was supposed to have it together by now. Do we ever stop feeling a little bit lost or is it just me?

the great preoccupation / the great occupation

2009-03-31T17:07:00.014-05:00

"My son, if you receive my Words, And treasure my commands within you, so that you incline your ear to wisdom, And apply your heart to understanding, Yes, if you cry out for discernment, And lift up your voice for understanding. If you seek for her as silver, And search for her as hidden treasures; Then you will understand the fear of the Lord, And find the knowledge of God." Proverbs 2:1-5

Solomon (or maybe I should say God via Solomon) is so clear on helping us understand what it takes to have wisdom. (Thanks Solly. We, well, I appreciate your help.) Actually this verse is dual, in that the promise He says you will understand the fear of the Lord (the beginning of wisdom - proverbs 9:10) and find the knowledge of God, that is, to know God. So from doing these things we get wisdom and knowing God. Giddy up, I'm in.

So I've been thinking about these verses ever since a little Bickle blog popped up about them. What it means to incline the ear to wisdom, heart to understanding, cry out for discernment, and lift up the voice for understanding. How it is that we seek for understanding God as the highest thing we could ever attain...and it all made me think of National Treasure.

I've only seen National Treasure once, but pictures in my mind of this movie kept coming up as I thought of the quest for the knowledge of God. In National Treasure the unlocking of mysteries and clues (that of course all lead to the treasure) becomes the great preoccupation of the main character's life. He even brings others into his enthusiasm of finding the treasure, by just talking about it -and that in the Christian life is a big deal. By going from clue to clue we can bring others in, if we are willing to share the journey with them. The treasure seeking also brings great joy and adventure (read proverbs 3:13-18!). All of the mysteries and twists and turns along the way can lead to the greatest gifts and disappointment in our lives...but the point is: it all leads to treaaasure. (treeeassurre, who doesn't like treasure?)

And just as the treasure hunter in National Treasure finds a great preoccupation, people too find great occupations. I noticed this while reading the phrase apply your heart to understanding - which sort of makes me think of how a student applies himself to his studies (and of course, the lack of application or the more that the student does it - the better the grade). Or how an occupation of any kind entails us applying ourselves to our work. It can almost become an identity within ourselves. When asked, "What do you do?", we say Student, we say Nurse, we say Teacher...We even put letters after our names.

So this all leads me to questions: with God do we (do I?) find a great preoccupation or an occupation? Do we seek God as if we were seeking treasure? Is He the highest thing we are attaining to? Are we applying our lives to really knowing Him?
Lord help me (help us!) to be as one seeking treasure to find You. Let finding You be my great reward God. I pray for the perseverance. I pray for the joy that comes from following You. I pray for the mysteries to be unfolded. I pray you'd make me like a student applying myself to my studies, and like a treasure hunter completely consumed with the process to obtain the prize. And in this Lord, let me find wisdom and the knowledge of You.

thoughts on solitude

2009-03-26T19:15:00.007-05:00

I read this (quoted below) today during my lunch break and underlined every word. It was one of those moments when a book hits you right where you need it, so I thought I would share. The book is called We the Ordinary People of the Streets and is a collection of writings by a French contemplative/Catholic layperson Madeleine Delbrel (Shannon and Lucas - I love this book! Thank you!). In the 1930's she founded a community of lay women who devoted their lives to God and work among the poor. There's interesting tension in Madeleine's life because she was living and working in a Communist society, and I believe, though I could be wrong, the only city in France at the time that was Communist. So needless to say there was a lot more zeal for communism than there was for God...
Anyway, I find this writing similar to what I have heard different great men and women say about life and the pursuit for God in it. I was instantly reminded of a conference that was held in Charlotte back in the day that Julie Meyer spoke at. I by no measure can remember details of what she spoke about, but I do remember in my paraphrased mind her talking about meeting God while washing the dishes. In the mundane of the mundane. This is as you know something I have been struggling to find in the midst of life lately. Hungering for the more than I cannot see but know is there. Okay, I'll stop prefacing and let you read. Lemme know what you think.

"Like a person leaving Paris for the desert, and smiling at it from a solitary distance; like a traveler waiting with deep sighs for long days spent at sea; like a monk whos' eyes caress the walls of his monastery, let us open our souls to the small solitudes of the day, from the first moment we wake up in the morning.
For our tiny solitudes are as immense; as exultant; as holy; as all the world's deserts, because they are filled with the same God, the God who makes solitude holy. The solitude of the darkened street separating the house from the metro; the solitude of a bench next to others who are carrying their part of the world; the solitude of long corridors streaming with souls on their way to the new day's tasks. The solitude of the few moments crouching to light the stove; the solitude of the kitchen spent before the tub of beans. The solitude on our knees scrubbing the floor, in the entrance to the garden where we hunt for lettuce for the salad. The brief solitude of going up and down the stairs, a hundred times a day. The solitude of the long hours with the laundry, washing, mending, and ironing.
Solitude that might be painful for us but which deepen our hearts: loved ones who have to leave though we'd like them to stay; friends that we wait for but who never show up; things that we want to say, but no one is listening; the strangeness of our heart while we're among people.
Taking leave is the first step into solitude. A person gains the desert - in both senses of the word - by taking a train, a boat, or a plane. We haven't learned to discern the various tiny departures that are scattered throughout the day; and that is why we do not manage to reach those solitudes that belong to us, the ones that have been prepared for us.
Because a new connection with solitude stands apart from us by the distance of the breadth of a door or the space of a quarter hour, we do not grant its eternal value; we do not take it seriously, we do not enter it like the fascinating countryside that stands constantly ready with essential revelations. The reason the wells of solitude scattered throughout our day do not give us the living water overflowing in them is that our hearts lack expectation.
We cling to time superstitously.
Though our love may require time, hours are nothing to the love of God, and a willing soul can be overwhelmed by him in a mere instant. "I will lead you to solitude and there I will speak to your heart." If our solitudes are for us poor transmitters of the Word, it's because our heart is absent."

Madeleine Delbrel

my day off report

2009-03-25T00:46:00.003-05:00

it rained a lot early this afternoon. thunderstorms. my favorite, actually. But today they made me sad because i didn't want them to stay. i had thought of going to kansas city to enjoy my day off in the prayer room and thought twice as the clouds rolled in with lightning bolts in them. However, the clouds and thunder and bolts parted and the sun suddenly came out as though to say, "go Winnie go!" So, I did, though reluctantly at first because it was already 2pm.
After a gas stop and some french fries (I swear I eat healthy most of the time...) I got there for the intercession set and my gosh I'm glad I went. It was like a drink of cold water after you've been thirsting for it for a couple of hours in the sun. Or putting your feet next to a fire after spending a day chilled. It was so good to get my heart in that sort of position before the Lord. I say that sort of position because I think it's a different one than what I keep here in my little room, tucked away while hanging with God. Sometimes I miss that position (of the prayer room) so much I can barely stand it. Mostly, His presence corporately. With people who are actually diving in. Expecting. Or at least some of them are, and if they aren't it's because they did an hour or two ago...well, yeah. Anyway, you get it. But you know, this year and however many months its been away from the prayer room have I have found so good because I have found God becoming the air in my lungs so to speak. The thing that my heart longs for after every day spent working and so many nights busy runnin'-around-much-to-do-about-nothing. It's been good to find my self seeking the Lord because I'm hungry for Him, and finding that hunger ruling so much of my energy. (Although sometimes it's becomes awkward, i'm working on that) Gosh I'm not saying that I am always like this, but in a way I've kinda lived in hunger for awhile. And it makes me realize that it's all real, even in the weakest 'yeses' that I utter.
Anyway, I had a great time today. I'm glad that the thunder and bolts came and went.

a little update on me. thoughts on a night like any other.

2009-03-23T21:36:00.003-05:00

Aaaaah...spring. and a spring day off tomorrow. Whew. I need it, i've been transitioning into a new position at work and my brain needs the rest. This week has been full of goodness. There was an Andrew Bird concert with Arin. A night of random worship music in which musicians took turns playing various instruments. Yesterday there were frisbees in the park and frisbees in the back yard. There was also good food with family and watching Planet Earth. (how in the world do they get those shots!)
Next week my Dad is going to Alaska...for 6 months. Crazy right? I love it. I love my parent's relationship and how they are so supportive of each other. They do so in big and little ways, all giving me the blessing of watching their love for each other. The big ways of course are pretty impressive. For example, for 8 years my mother took almost every day off she had to go to Kansas City and take care of my late grandmother...my dad was always supportive in her decision to put her mother's needs first, though at times he became lonely i'm sure, he was always supportive and loving. And now I'm watching my mom be supportive as my dad seizes the opportunity to fulfill a dream of his, though the compensation monetarily is slightly lacking, the support and love and dream is there. I love watching it. What a great example of marriage. I'm blessed.

faith being substance and evidence

2009-03-16T23:25:00.006-05:00

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen." hebrews 11:1
This is one of my favorite verses, mainly because it's so confounding and yet can be so simple. And it all depends on how you look at it. Scripture is always that way though, right? I mean, we can get the gist of it pretty quickly but it's crazy how it can actually get into the nooks and crannies of ourselves. That is of course if/when we only take the time to let it... anyways.
So if faith is the substance of things hoped for, and things hoped for are of course things that haven't actually happened yet. (Meaning, in general these things hoped for are not seen, they are future, yet to come, difficult to obtain, though possible, otherwise there would be no hope of them.) The crazy thing is that hope in things yet to come has substance... And substance is the ground to the foundation, the elements that comprise something, the thing's essential qualities and matter (it's defined as: "the real physical matter of which a person or thing consists of and which has tangible, solid presence"). Hope in things yet to come actually has substance, and faith is the substance. It's almost saying faith makes something yet to come real - regardless if it hasn't happened yet.
The second part of the verse is crazy too..."the evidence of things not seen". As the first part of the crazy-faith-defined-verse is speaking of future things yet to come, the second speaks of things past - of what was done in eternity, of what has been in time. Evidence must come when things have already happened. My friend spoke of evidence this way: the gun left at the crime scene that nails the bad guy. Evidence is defined as: "the available body of facts or information indicating whether a belief or proposition is true of vaild." Boom - faith.
Therefore, if faith is defined both by substance of hope and evidence of things not seen - faith has both certainty and evidence in it. Of things coming, of things that have happened, of things that are happening. I love faith because it gives life wings. It is real and valid to base our life on...we hang on it when looking at what is coming as well as what has happened. And faith is totally time based - meaning, we are hanging on it until Jesus comes back or we are to be with Him. We will always lead our lives with the crazy confounding faith that guides us, no matter where we are.

So my thoughts...go and hang on faith.

if you have a moment, listen to Edith sing

2009-03-12T20:43:00.005-05:00

(Hit the play button below while your reading this, mkay?)
For valentine's day (I know I know, that was a month ago) Arin and I not only made the most wonderful sushi, but we watched a great movie - La Vie En Rose. The movie is about Edith Piaf - her music and her life. I loved the movie, totally well done, and my goodness the story of her life! But I loved it the most for the brilliance of her voice. I'm probably shining light on my ignorance but I had never heard of Edith Piaf before watching that movie. Since watching it sometimes her voice gets stuck in my head, even though I don't own any of her cd's (yet). Anyway, if you have a second you should listen, maybe it will get stuck in yours too.
Oh and while I'm on it I should mention my love for all things French. Okay, not all things. But a lot of things. Like crepes, and croissants, and Mona, and the Paris Opera House's ceiling tiles painted by Marc Chagall. And of course French is just beautiful to listen to and Paris like a dream city for this Missouri girl come true. I'm even reading a book right now by a French woman named Madeleine Delbrel and I love it too...
And while I'm on that (being Paris) i'm actually thinking about this (because that is always about this)... I think if someone were to diagnose me with some sort of mental illness it would have to be the-grass-is-greener-complex. Here's why. I could go on and on about things i love about certain places I love - Colorado, Paris, Charlotte, Springfield, Iceland... but never in the place that I am at. Maybe it's a symptom of longing for eternity or something - but I really need to learn how to enjoy and truly love the beauty of the place that surrounds me. And I'll get to the point quickly because I'm sorta being random jumping from Edith to France to grass being greener:
Because there is always mundane, even in France.

2009-03-12T18:03:00.005-05:00

tuesday morning

tuesday night

well, i did it. i went dark. (yeeah, you can see that) closer to my natural hair color than ever before. i'm definitely still getting used to it. I need a better picture of my dark hair to do it justice, but ah well.

edit - here's a better one:

casa a la houghton es bueno

2009-03-08T10:17:00.003-05:00

happy day light savings time! i hear that in some states they do not observe the weirdness of daylight savings time. and that somewhere, in some state, a city decides not to observe it though the rest of the state does. (maybe i'm showing off my complete lack of knowledge here but...huh. really?)
anyway, i'm enjoying my last day here at casa a-la houghton. i am sitting here loving the sun coming through the windows, my beautiful flowers (just because, love, arin!), enjoying coffee, reading and praying, and the open front door letting all of the little birdies sing to me. Bueno! There's something so fun about creating an environment to share some really great time with God...
Happy Sunday!

go read

2009-03-05T17:00:00.003-06:00

go read this. i like it a lot. i had a conversation with a friend the other night about this very thing...
http://peopleonahill.org/wp/?p=453
(for some reason blogger doesn't have a good handle on the whole link thing...or maybe i just don't know how to appropriately add one, so don't be scared... cut and paste)

to love in the midst of loving truth

2009-03-03T15:22:00.003-06:00

My friends and i are starting a study on the book of galatians this week. i'm excited to spend time with them in this way, for they have been my friends for many many years. most of them have been roomates, and we share the kind of moments that will (as cheesy as this sounds) last a lifetime. I'm excited for more of those moments and hope that they come during this study.
i had a run in with a friend of mine (not one in this study, now i'm speaking of something that intersects but is different...) the other night and we had a lengthy conversation about God. I wont get into it in too much detail other than to say this - my friend is questioning a lot of what it really means to be a Christian and who God really is - in the sense of maybe the Bible could merely be a beautiful book and maybe what it means to be a Christian is to just ascribe to goodness (in the sense of "fixing the world") knowing that there is something higher out there, though we don't need to assume we really know who that is.
This conversation has had me thinking a lot. More along the lines of what it means to share in conversations in love when these topics arise. And what does that look like?? Am I just supposed to listen with a caring heart? And what happens when my emotions (as they did in this conversation) begin to well up within me like steam rollers? What do I say, what do I not say? What do I leave to God and what do I allow to speak out of me? As you know, I'm secure in my faith that Jesus Christ is the only way to the Father, and that the Bible is the true Word of God. That to know God and to love Him with all of our heart, mind, and soul is the thing about life that I cherish the most. And as I was conversing with my friend, I was trying to figure out what it means to love in the midst of loving truth... What it means (and looks like) to share my heart and faith at a point in society when faith in Christ alone seems outdated and pious...
Then today, as I was preparing for my friend galatians study I read what Paul was saying to the Galatians (the book that deals entirely with my friends outlook on works vs. faith) in chapter 1:6,10 "I marvel that you are turning away so soon from Him who called you in the grace of Christ, to a different gospel...For do I now persuade men. or God? Or do I seek to please men? For if I still pleased men, I would not be a bondservant of Christ."
That helped...

"To the extent that the faith does not speak out loud and clear in this confrontation, the world can maintain a surface ambiguity. But the moment the faith shows itself to the world, the world can no longer remain ambiguous; the world that tries to hide within it is forced to come out and present itself as being at odds with the faith." - Madeleine Delbrel

a quiet night with ps 119:37-38

2009-02-28T00:04:00.005-06:00

i enjoyed another night at home. well, sort of home. i am watching my sister's deeogies so i am at my sister's house. it's nice and quiet here, except for Sammy's stomach that is growling. Actually more like squeeking. I'm sure if he could talk he would tell me all about it because it's so loud. it's cold outside again, on the brink of snow which i am expecting to wake up to. tonight's solitude wasn't self-inflicted, my plans with friends were canceled due to the ever busy lives we all find ourselves exhausted by, and another friend's decision to spend time in the company of others. I was tempted to be lonely tonight and go fill my time with different people, but instead chose to "stay in" and wait, and I'm glad I did. I meditated on some more ps 119 tonight, this time verses 37 and 38. "Turn away my eyes from worthless things. And revive me in your path. Establish your Word in Your servant who is devoted to fearing You." This was tonight's simple yet complex cry, to have a heart set on His path via the path/gaze of the eyes. Sometimes (ha! sometimes...) I am so tempted to turn my eyes to the things that disrupt my soul. I know we all are. These worthless things are so many worthless things... I asked God to make my heart like David's in this crazy psalm. So aware of His need for God and honestly asking within the heart to find life in the Word. Knowing it needs to be established within him because it isn't (yet..but i believe in some ways in just the asking it's there, or atleast getting there) I think He smiled as I asked. I think the decisions we make in complete weakness and honesty make His heart move.

i stayed in

2009-02-26T23:01:00.004-06:00

i stayed in tonight. i needed a little relaxation giving my heart to God...again. There's so much going on in there. Knock Knock...Hello? May I come in? Yes, you may. knock it down.
I want it to be good.
Life.Me.Him.
I'm believing for more. Fullness. My heart is expecting Him to come.
Then there was a thunderstorm. It was short, but while it lasted i smiled at His promises.

light blubs

2009-02-24T17:11:00.003-06:00

i like it when light blubs finally go off and things begin to click, of course i'm talking about when God does this in us. it's like getting near the end of finishing a painting. in the beginning of painting anything, i freak out because i'm afraid it isn't going to be good. i start with a weak idea of what i want to cover the canvas and generally change it around 5-10 times depending on how good its going. the canvas will begin with a pale shade of blue and before you know it it's red. or black. or white again (if i can get it back to white that is, that's kind of hard to do). And then the composition changes as i step away from my strokes and look at what needs to be fixed, added, etc. The whole thing takes a lot of time and focus and most of the time...is completely enjoyable.
I'd like to think that God does this with us multiple times throughout our lives. He is a creator, a master craftsman, and loves to create in us. He even calls us his masterpiece. In my abstract mind I liken seasons of our souls as paintings that the Master Crastman is creating. All seasons that He loves and come out perfect in the end.

2009-02-24T00:54:00.002-06:00

i just got back from charlotte. well, last night actually around 10.
the week was great. a lot happened. too much to share. i'll summarize it though by saying that i feel like things came out of purgatory. or at least out of slow motion. or maybe just that it's in the works. i don't know what to say...it was a healing week? it was a lot more than what i knew i needed... okay i'll stop trying to summarize. it's not working.
there really wasn't too much activity to write about except pacing around the prayer room, daily walks, and daily 6 cups of coffee. lots of conversations...upward and outward. one of my favorite happened while doing some devotional sets inside of the house of prayer. i think everything that has been sort of welling up inside of me popped right out in those couple of hours. aaah the power of expression. i miss singing.

crazy lady mundane cheek bones

2009-02-13T23:40:00.006-06:00

My stomach is full after eating a late night dinner with my sister and my good friend Melissa. It was good tonight to laugh with friends and talk over coffee and chicken caesar pasta salad (yum). As we walked out we realized we were the last ones there, totally those girls. I remember working in restaurants and having the campers at the end of the night...when all I could think of was my tired feet and the need to couch them. Sorry Cheddards waitress lady with tired feet, though you will never read this, I feel the pain of tired-waitress-feet (though mine were mostly tired-cook-feet in those days).

I have still been bored out of my mind at work these days, and the longing for more of God and more out of life is nawing at me in oh so many ways. Direction. Clarity. Vision...These are all words that describe my continuos thoughts (espeically while I go back into work only to help one more crazy lady try to find the right foundation color...do i care?...am i really supposed to find the right blush or natural wrinkle cream for your cheek bones?) But the words that God keeps giving me in exchange for my thoughts and prayers are things like: contentment and not complacency Jenn, watch, wait, abide. So, in response, I am simply trying to drink in these little moments of laughter with friends and family and try to be okay in the mundane of the mundane. While drinking I find my thirst isn't actually quenched, it's quite the opposite, i seem to get more thirsty. But in this way that is satisfying. I don't know how to explain it really... I don't think I'm actually going to try.

well, on a different note (the one I was actually going to write about) I am going to charlotte next week. I'm feverishly awaiting Monday now...looking forward to spend some time in the prayer room and see good friends that I miss so much. If you think about it shout out a little prayer. I really want God to take the week and speak to me on some things that lay heavy on my heart. no more crazy lady cheek bones if you know what i mean...

the Word moving from the head to the heart

2009-02-10T17:02:00.002-06:00

"Uphold me according to Your word, that I may live. And do not let me be ashamed of my hope." ps 119:116
"Turn away my eyes from worthless things, and revive me in Your way. Establish Your word to Your servant, who is devoted to fearing You." ps 119:37

Psalm 119 has been with me for a few weeks as i have been asking God to teach me how to effectively pray for my inner man. The psalm in my bible is entitled: "The excellencies of the Word of God." I think it's a good title, but maybe it should be called: "The excellencies of the Word of God: Especially when you don't know them but are really really wanting to..." or something like that. David says over and over again (It's so frequent that I stopped counting) in this psalm stuff like "teach me your statues", "revive me / uphold me by your word", "I love your law/word/precepts". It's actually overly redundant. But I think the redundancy is familiar to me because it's exactly what I pray when I want my spirit to take over the things I merely know in my head. That the Word which has only surfaced as head knowledge would become my real heart, my real life, my real faith. You know, when you are praying and really wanting in faith something to be true but you just can't see it or live it as real? Maybe a sin committed over and over again, or the faith to believe that a certain circumstance will really change, or that you will really change (or just grow)? The more I read and meditate in this psalm I see David's sheer humanity and it is comforting. I see a man (the man after God's heart really was in fact a man! just like me. whew. meaning, it's doable!) that in weakness is praying that the Lord would turn his weakness into strength, turn his eyes away from worthless things, and really establish the Word in his heart. Basically that David's inner man would be changed according to the Word. That the things David knows in his mind would become realities in his heart. I think there is a key here that is pretty profound and absolutely simple: this is how to pray devotionally in strength. When we start to pray for our inner man from the Word it changes everything.

This is sort of the same thing I shared in the last post I did...huh. I actually wanted to write on these two verses but this somehow came out instead. Probably more for me than for anyone else. Ah well.

funnies

2009-02-04T18:43:00.001-06:00

whiney prayers vs. strengthening the inner man

2009-02-03T15:25:00.007-06:00

Ooh today has been a low key day off. So far I have gotten my oil changed, got a new tire (because another one of mine busted), did my taxes, and now am doing laundry. So... in this day (and many others like it) I have noticed that I operate so much better mentally and emotionally when i am going 50 miles an hour and not 5. Which the 5 miles an hour has been my speed lately, for too long actually. I'm praying that God would give me more opportunities to serve - which can be a dangerous (but rewarding) prayer to pray. I've also been watching what I pray in my times with God - being careful not to spin off into too much introspection instead of abiding in what He is doing within and around me. I honestly have been spending more time in prayer than I ever have in my life, however, i think a lot of it has been going into a phase I like to call my "whiney prayers". These happen (and can last for days, weeks, or however long it takes me to discover) when I go off on bunny trails from where God is taking me, simply because I want to complain my heart about circumstances - what is, and what is not, going on. These whiney prayers actually can be highly counteractive. Though, God in His kindness always listens and acts - it's just that when we aren't abiding we aren't seeing from His perspective and often can pray against what He is really doing. God tells us to give all of our requests to him, but He also asks us to abide in Him and ask standing from the place of agreement with His heart - in intercession as well as in personal prayer. So, speaking on the subject of personal prayers - Mike B taught on 10 prayers to strengthen the inner man (eph 3:16). Basically to use as a tool or reference for when we pray about our personal lives. I jotted them down in my notebook for continual use and thought I would share. You can grab the full set of notes on the ihop-free page...
F-E-L-L-O-W-S-H-I-P (Truly our fellowship is with the Father and His Son Jesus Christ 1 Jn 3:1)
Fear of God. Father, release the spirit of the fear of God into my heart. Release the lighting and thunder from your throne to strike my heart with your majesty, that I might live in awe before You. Release your presence and holy dread that makes me tremble before You. Unite my heart to your heart and Word and cause me to delight in the fear of God. (Jer 32:40, Ps 86:11)
Endurance (patience): Father, strengthen my spirit with endurance that I may do Your will with zeal and diligence and that I not quit pursuing the deep things of God. Impart endurance for fasting. Direct my heart into the endurance which Jesus walked. This is a prayer for strength to follow through in my commitment to God and to fulfill my ministry calling when it is difficult. (Col 1:11, Ps 69:9-11)
Love: Father, pour out Your love into my heart by releasing the influence of the Spirit to give me revelation of Your love for me, that it may overflow in love back to You and to others. (Romans 5:5, Phil 1:9)
Light of Glory: Father, let me see the light of Your glory. Give me Holy Spirit encounters as you gave to Moses, Isaiah, Ezekiel, and John. (Ez 33:18, Ps 4:6)
One Thing Life focus: Father, strengthen me to maintain a life in Your word with desire for it. When I loose this focus, send Your word to deliver me as You did for the saints at Ephesus, Sardis, and Ladoicea. Alert me when I need to recommit my schedule and priorities as a person of one things who regularly sits at your feet, as Mary of Bethany did. (Luke 10:42, Ps 16:8)
Worthy - Count me worthy: Father, strengthen me to walk in a way that you would consider me worthy to walk in my highest calling and escape all compromise that I might stand before You victorious in full obediance. (2 Thes 1:11, Luke 21:36)
Speech: Father, set a guard over my lips. Free me from defense, angry, foolish speech. (sustained communion with God requires restrained conversation with man) (Ps 141:3)
Humility: Jesus, I want to learn from You how to walk in lowliness. I commit to take Your yoke of humility on my life in my attitudes, speech, and actions. give me wisdom on how to carry my heart in humility.
Insight unto intimacy (wisdom): Father, give me insight into Your word, will, and ways. Give me wisdom on how to live before You that I may walk in intimacy with You. (Matt 11:29, Phil 2:3-5)
Peace and Joy: Father, strengthen my heart with supernatural peace and joy that overpowers fear and anxiety that I would not sin. (Sin grows fastest when fear or anxiety works strongly in us). (Phil 4:7, Romans 15:13)

sunday morning snow melt

2009-02-01T13:32:00.006-06:00

On Sunday mornings before the Vineyard church in Springfield starts, a little group of people get together to pray. While the worship team is finishing practice, they simply ask God to speak what He is doing amongst the congregation. I love how this little group gets to experience the spirit of prophecy and watch Him operate amongst people. There's something beautiful about the human heart asking God what His heart is for His bride - especially on a Sunday morning - when all these different congregations are meeting for worship and for the proclaiming of His word. Nothing particular came to me today (as I was a part of that little group), except a cry in my heart for His bride to know who She is in fullness. I just paced around the room for 30 minutes or so with Ephesians spinning around in my mind (that we would be able to comprehend His love - how deep and how wide - and in that place know of His fullness). And in that simple intercession felt Him warming up my heart.
Likewise the ice here is starting to melt, the sun is out today and is breaking up all the ice and snow from last week. I kind of feel like the things I have been trudging through are melting as well, all in the simplicity of asking God what He thinks, what He feels, and what is on His heart.
Last night as I meditated I was led again to psalm 119. This time verse 116 - "Uphold me according to your Word, that I may live. And do not let me be ashamed of my hope." (I think that's it, I'm saying it from memory because my bible is in the other room and i'm slightly lazy) Oooh David and his profound heart for God in psalm 119. I love it and stay in that psalm right now because I feel mine becoming like it, not of course in fulness, but in a simple dedication to seeking out His heart while my own seems to fail and be weak again and again. I keep thinking I want the things that are merely head knowledge right now to take route in my heart and become reality - like the prayers of David in psalm 119.
warm us up God, melt the ice on our hearts and let us move forward partnering with your heart. that we would be able to comprehend how wide and deep is the love of christ. that it would surpass knowledge, and create fullness within.

stories

2009-01-28T23:47:00.003-06:00

I'm gonna touch on my humanity here and tell you about something I like: LOST. It's back on, I watched it tonight with the company of my sister, jeff, mara, mike, and arin. I hope it becomes a Wednesday night thing because i tend to enjoy those sort of rituals of getting together with friends. I am sucked back into the vortex of trying to figure it out...which i have it all resolved! (whew) : it's not going to happen. I mean maybe some questions will be answered eventually or I'll loose interest. But I guess that's why i just keep watching. Because I want them, the answers that is, but I also know full well that the answers in and of them selves aren't going to please me - the pleasure comes about by slowly figuring it out and the twists and turns along the way. It's about the journey. A story unraveling. New things and people popping out of corners and surprising me.
Ooohh the joy of a good story.

abiding and faith.

2009-01-27T17:40:00.007-06:00

"Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away, and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit."...
"I am the vine, and you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in Him, bears much fruit; for with out Me you can do nothing." John 15:2, 5

I've been thinking about what it means to abide. I thought it just meant to live in something, and i guess in a way it does. But when i looked at the definition it was a tad different than i expected.
here's the definition: accept or act in accordance with (a rule, decision, or recommendation).
I don't know what awesome things I have to say about these verses, except that simply the Lord is asking me to abide in Him. Well, He asks us all to abide in Him. To accept His leadership. To follow it. To know what He is doing and act in accordance with. Also in my time in the Word I've been seeing how true it is that those who bear fruit he really prunes. And in that pruning that He loves. It's like that line in the Chronicles of Narnia that is so true: "He's good but He isn't safe." (or something like that) Mostly I've been seeing this in Scripture by studying heros.
I've been hanging out in Hebrews 11 - the faith chapter. I'm still on my quest to really understand faith how it really is linked to the resurrection. And as I have been reading about those who "obtained a good testimony, through faith" I've realized that God really did prune these heros of faith. It says in the end of Hebrews that they "did not receive the promise. God having provided something better for us, that they should be made perfect apart from us." Their good testimony was wrapped in understanding that their lives were made for heaven. And in living for the resurrection, they lived their lives in faith. They bore fruit and abided. They acknowledged they were pilgrims in the land of the living. (Phil 3:8!)
I'm not sure how it all connects but it is what I have been meditating on: faith and abiding. I guess it connects because abiding is a part of having faith...the reassurance of things unseen. And we are definitely abiding in an invisible God who, though at times is veiled, is good and a perfect leader.

later update:
ps. It snowed/iced quite a bit here in Springfield. Really, more on than off since yesterday around 2pm.

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2009-01-26T23:00:00.000-06:00

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2009-01-25T00:51:00.001-06:00

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a short update

2009-01-23T17:08:00.008-06:00

I just got off of work. another day. i'm home now. it started off warm and even was during my lunch break, but alas, within a few hours it has gotten cold once again. My weather widget says it's currently 41 degrees but i don't believe it.
My mind has been on a great deal of serious, involved things. Especially (just today) about the need for a good cheeseburger. This week marked a new season of LOST, and a lot of meditating in the Word and the feeling of the Lord dealing with my heart on a lot of winnie issues. I never seem to know the line between introspection and allowing the Lord to deal with my heart appropriately. But as I have struggled with that line I have been blessed the past couple of weeks with friends and family that are gracious with me. Thanks friends.

2009-01-20T18:16:00.002-06:00

yeeeaah. not much to say here on the blog. i've been enjoying my day off by playing my guitar (I sorta wrote a song - sorta in the sense of it's very incomplete but I like it), doing laundry, doing productive like things, and now i'm getting ready to hit starbucks and go over to my friends house for a little couch lounging with the gilmore girls. i need a little light and fluff tonight. a mocha and gilmore girls i hope will hit the spot.

sos 4:16: sick of winter but it's good and i know it.

2009-01-16T23:34:00.008-06:00

"awake o north wind! and come o south! blow upon my garden, that it spices may flow out!" Song of Solomon 4:16
I'm getting to the point where i feel like a tree in winter. Because like a tree, i know spring is coming, because it has to, and i'm hanging on. But i'm not going to be pretty until it does. :) Okay, wintery trees can be pretty - but in sort of this darker, still, waiting sort of way. When you look at them (them being wintery deadish trees) you know there is life within, but the season is one of winter north winds and roots growing down deep into the soil. There is hidden growth. If the tree wasn't rooted before winter it won't survive. However, oddly enough - if it was a tree experiences the most growth in the dead of the winter.
I am thinking of all the grass and the trees and hills I wish would come back to life right now. (Particularly the ones on my way to work sure would be nicer if green.) But they aren't dead, though they may look like it. And just as things are in the natural they parallel like an un-posed photograph of the spiritual.

It's cold here (literally and figuratively) and i'm sick of winter - but I'm praying a lot - and sometimes there is smiling and small 'i win' moments. (I share this out of my need to express as well as the hope that maybe someone knows what i'm talking about...) I'm praying that God would let me see the true value of both the north (bitter) and south (good) winds. The shulamite in the SOS 4:16 verse is saying - God whatever circumstance you have for me, whether good or bad, come and bring life inside of me. Bring life and move me, so that all that is within me can flow out for your glory. This is where I pray this crazy season is taking me - into acceptance and true joy in faith regardless of circumstances being favorable or not so much of the favorable. Maturity. Peace within my soul. Real faith that says God, whatever you have, move me closer so that this life can be a pleasing fragrance to You.

it's gray and there is a list.

2009-01-06T18:29:00.003-06:00

1. I really need my face to stop breaking out, I'm 26.
2. I really need to get out of my parents house, I'm 26.
3. I really need an IRA, I'm 26.
4. I'm feeling a bit (understatement) lost.
5. I'm still meditating on the psalms which help make it easier to see the Lord through the waiting.
6. I'm reading SexGod by Rob Bell and I don't know how I feel about it.
7. I bought new glasses today and underwent an eye exam. This time, instead of one nasty puff per eye they gave me three per eye. However, this was administrated by my childhood next door neighbor who was a freshman in high school when Michelle and I were seniors, and I always have liked her, so it wasn't so bad.
8. I NEED THE LORD TO SPEAK TO ME. But in His kindness, silence has been the sound ringing in my ears.
9. I'm tired of it being gray outside every day, and cold, my it's cold.
10. "I call to remembrance my song in the night; I meditate within my heart, and my spirit makes diligent search." Psalm 77:6

golb - thats blog spelled backwards

2009-01-04T00:46:00.004-06:00

I've been up too late tonight reading blogs. i read bickle's, ryan's, bekah's, etc. People I don't know and people that I really love and miss. It was good for my heart to hear different perspectives. it feels so good to let my mind take a break from figuring it out and allow it to glean from other's wisdom. sometimes I just need to listen more.

coming out of cold purgatory

2008-12-21T00:02:00.004-06:00

i was sick this week. the winter weather never really happened but due to a head cold, which is what i like to call "cold purgatory", i slowed down. Sickness has this way of enhancing all of my biggest issues to make them impossible to bear without large lake sized tears, therefore, i did much pondering, praying, and crying this week along with sneezing and coughing (and maybe a couple of episodes of Law and Order). Now I feel better - all the way around. The crying helped me realize things (brokenness is such a good thing!) and the sneezing and coughing are gone. All that is left to do now is to enjoy the simplicity of being healthy and the joy of a cried out, clear mind.

I'm excited about Christmas this week. My best friend comes home tomorrow and i am so excited to spend some good time with her. I'll go up to Kansas City for Christmas as I always do but this Christmas will be accompanied by my sister and Jeff - which always makes Christmas more fun. With Jeff around there's bound to be a wiffle ball game in the snow or something.
I think I mentioned this but I have been thinking a lot upon the past year and what all has happened in 2008, and truly looking forward to what is in store for this next year... though i have not a clue what that is. But it seems as though I am always in that position - thinking upon the past and dwelling way too hard upon the future - so for this week I am going to give being in the moment a shot. Novel idea. I've never been good at that. In fact I can't remember if I've ever given it a whole hearted try before? I forget that I should even want that a bit more. (It's funny but it never occurred to me that this very subject is the title of my blog. Ha!) Don't worry though friends, this does not mean I am going to do whatever the hot dog I want. My heart is truly just to enjoy what blessings the Lord has given me. I'm going to ask God to bless me with a spirit of joy this week while living in the day that He has given me, and to truly celebrate the World's greatest gift ever given.

yey Christmas. trees and cookies and lights and friends and family and presents and celebration and JESUS. Lots and lots of Jesus.

In the House of My Pilgrimage

2008-12-16T17:49:00.003-06:00

your statutes have been my songs in the house of my pilgrimage. I remember your name in the night, O Lord, and I keep your law. This has become mine, because I kept your precepts.
psalm 119:54-56

Another year is almost gone and done. It's time to close the book on 08 and open 09. Last night I looked at pictures from this past year for awhile. I was surprised at all the things I forgot had happened: weddings, deaths, June in Charlotte, iceland, a new car, a new relationship, concerts, funny times with Michelle, ministry trips, two jobs, and it goes on. So, what awaits this year? What is around the corner? And what is leading me? What is growing, and what is dying? I have many questions (I always do). Not many answers, except to cling to the Word.
Speaking of psalm 119 -
When the day was over, when David laid his head on his pillow (or rock for all i know) and the day on his mind, he remembered the name of the Lord. He remembered Who He is no matter where he was. How He is completely sovereign and completely good. To David the law became His heart's expression. It became a lifestyle, it became the song in His heart. It became His journey (in the house of my pilgrimage).
I couldn't help my recent nostalgic picture viewing with that phrase...in the house of my pilgrimage. As this year closes as I sit with myself a bit I can say that I want all of these things for myself. I truly want the weight of the day and life to rest in the Name of the Lord...it's something that I sorely need right now. Peace in His sovereign God-ness. And I want His Word to be my songs in the house of my pilgrimage.

wintery weather?

2008-12-13T18:35:00.005-06:00

We here in Springfield are bracing ourselves for some ice coming this way. Supposedly tomorrow. The storm is supposed to last all week and be kinda terrible. I for one, am looking forward to it... Mostly because I keep saying this phrase in my head: SLOW DOWN WORLD! Nothing like a good ole fashioned wintery mess to slow us down a bit. I'll let you know if it actually happens. I for one am kinda crossing my fingers and in sore need of a week in slow motion.

By the way, there was this crazy halo over the moon last night like nothing I have EVER seen. Did anyone see it last night? I happened to look up on my way home from my friends house around 11:30pm, and saw a bright full moon with a halo that looked almost like a rainbow...i just stared at it for the longest time. it was remarkable. :) okay, i'm done now. I just used the word remarkable in a sentence for perhaps the first time ever.

2008-12-11T12:13:00.000-06:00

busyness taking over the "free" free time

2008-12-10T17:59:00.002-06:00

i'm about to go back to work. (i said back, yes, i was there all day) there is inventory to be done tonight. my life has gotten sadly busy the past two weeks. i have learned that i don't like staying busy. I think it's not so much the busyness but more the fact that all of my nights are already planned this week, and i typically like my free time to be just that: free. Not scheduled. Not really planned. But room for the freedom to do whatever I want to do at the moment. Tonight I'm wishing for some time with Arin drinking some sort of coffee. I keep thinking starbucks (starbucks peppermint mocha makes me feel like christmas) though the coffee ethic is much better. Or maybe getting a big game of Nerts going amongst many friends. Or maybe watching a movie. But alas, inventory awaits...

Deut 30 and Romans 10

2008-12-09T23:06:00.009-06:00

"But the word is very near you, in your mouth and in your heart, that you may do it." Deut 30:14
The word that became flesh, Jesus Christ, is near, so near in fact - that He lives inside of us. The Word is in our mouths - that we may speak and proclaim it. And in our hearts - that our hearts may be alive and close to Him. The Word is inside of us! What a mystery!
At least I happen to think it is...
This passage in Deut 30 is taken from what is typically called (from what I have read anyway) the Second Law, given to the Israelites from God via Moses. It's the passage that speaks of obedience and choosing life (therefore, choose life, that both you and your descendants may live.." Deut 30:19). It's the passage that is chalk full of first commandment language (and the Lord your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your descendants, to love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, that you may live..." Deut 30:6), and makes me think of about two million questions throughout it. But simply stated, I think Moses is saying that it is within the Israelites ability to choose life and that it's not hard to do nor to comprehend - the truth and righteousness is in the mouth and heart, that you may live it.
Then Paul comes and uses Deut 30 in Romans 10 and makes it more of a mystery (well, to me anyway). He is talking about righteousness not by the fulfillment of the law but by faith in Christ. He says the language of the righteousness of faith is Deut 30 - "But what does it say? 'The word is near you, in your mouth and in your heart' (that is, the word of faith which we preach." (Rom 10:8). I dunno, I'm thinking that this is odd scripture for Paul to take and use as defense to the Israelites about righteousness being in faith in Christ. But maybe i'm making it more complicated than it is??
I guess maybe he is appealing to them saying it's not too crazy or hard to be saved. It's not too high and lofty for them (or us). It's already been done. No more performing and no more earning it. Righteousness is only defined as this: faith in Christ. We are justified through faith.
I need to get this one. I know it should be more like 'milk' understanding but if righteousness is really faith in Christ, than it changes what I shoot for on a lot of levels. I'm really glad that it's already in my mouth and heart though, that I may do it.

ps. Sorry if this isn't making much sense, I think this one is really for me...I mean I start to check out when someone starts using italics for all of the scripture they are quoting, I can only imagine what you are doing (well, I can imagine: not reading this). And I'm sorta in training mode with these verses, not really connecting weeks of depth or the dots for that matter. I guess I'm writing these crazy blogs on scripture trying to make sense of all of this learning I'm doing in the Word on hope, faith, righteousness, and the resurrection. All are themes for me right now, and all of them I am trying (with the Lord) to grasp a bit more each day. Because I think there is life in understanding what it really means to be a Christian and why it's so crazy amazing to grow in the knowledge of God. Mkay. Thanks for reading as I collect thoughts.